Baby, You Can (Finally) Drive My Car

If you have kids who have a learner’s permit, I’d like to drop a little knowledge on you…learner’s permits expire. And your kid’s permit will expire at the most inconvenient time for everyone because teenage boys don’t pay attention to anything other TikTok videos where men fall and crunch their nuts. You’re welcome and thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

The reason I’m such an expert is because my youngest had his learners permit expire, just before he was scheduled to begin his in-car driving portion of driver’s ed, in preparation for taking the test to be able to drive on his own. Those of you who think an expired learner’s permit doesn’t suck, let me set the stage for you.

Our youngest is currently 18. He is only 15 months younger than his older brother. His older brother could not wait to drive. He squeezed driver’s ed in between a heavy high school course load and lots of sports. And having him be able to drive himself and his younger brother everywhere they needed to go was a kind of freedom we as parents had not experienced since they were able to reach the cereal and get the milk out of the fridge by themselves on the weekend. Pro tip: keep the milk on a low shelf in the refrigerater and the cereal box, bowls, and spoons on the kitchen table.

Then COVID happened. Everything shut down, including driver’s ed. But that really was no problem because his older brother had his license. Plus no one was going anywhere. And who needed a place to go when you could stay in and watch so many TikTok videos of guys crunching their nuts?

And even when his brother went away to college for the spring 2021 semester, our youngest was still only going to high school and being picked up after football and lacrosse practice, which his dad was handling.

By the late spring, his brother was home from college, so our youngest had a chauffer again. But with his brother returning to campus in early August to begin football practices, and our youngest off to community college in the fall (about 40 minutes away from our house), getting that driver’s license for him was paramount.

He got scheduled for drivers ed through the summer and had his first in-car session in August, needing to complete two more sessions before he could go take the test to get his license. But as the second in-car session was scheduled, the driver’s ed instructor said to him, “you know your license expired yesterday and you can’t drive until you have a valid learner’s permit, right?”

And this is the look my face made when my son told me that he couldn’t finish driver’s ed without a valid learner’s permit because it had — in his words — “somehow expired”:

Because of COVID, you can’t just walk into the DMV and take your learner’s permit written test for the second time because you were only paying attention to TikTok videos and didn’t realize your learner’s permit had expired. You have to schedule it. And the first available appointment was after the first semester of community college started.

Cue my husband’s face when he realized he’d have to drive our son to and pick him up from community college each day until our kid could get his driver’s license:

And this was me being totally sympathetic to his plight:

Until karma said “hold up, honey. This is what we’re dishing up for you for that BS sympathy you showed.” Because on the first day of school, my husband got sick and I had to stay home from work and take the kid to school. This was my very thoughtful rebuttal to karma:

So we piled in the car, and I took a few photos of his first day of college, as he was getting ready to exit the Rice Community College Shuttle Service for the inaugural drop off:

More than four weeks of this back and forth every day took place, as he got his in-car time for driver’s ed finished and made an appointment to take the driver’s test. He and his dad headed to the DMV on a crisp fall Saturday morning for an 8:30 a.m., appointment. At 8:15 a.m., I received a frantic call from my husband, “Where is the registration for the car? It’s not in the car. WHERE IS IT? We can’t find it! If we don’t have it, he can’t take the test today.”

I wanted to blurt out “I’m sorry, do I know you?” Instead, as I was rifling through the junk drawer in the kitchen and not finding the registration, I said “I’m on my way. He can take the test in my car.”

I jumped into my car and made the just over 10 minute trip to the DMV in what can only be described as generously under 10 minutes. I pulled into a parking space and my son ran up to the car. “Mom,” he started, “dad meant to say proof of insurance. Well…actually we’re missing both the registration and proof of insurance, but I only told him I couldn’t find the proof of insurance.”

Naturally, I stayed calm:

My husband then ran up to the car and barked, “the proof of insurance…did you bring the proof of insurance?” Instead of answering that question with an appropriately snarky “I’m sorry, do I know you?”, I simply replied, “he can take the test in my car. The necessary paperwork is always in my car.” Which probably sounded a little like this:

He then took – and aced – his driving test. I let him drive me home from the test. The whole 10 minutes home, I wasn’t sure if he was sporting an overly happy smile or a manical one.

Either way, baby. You can finally drive my car.

Two Weeks Notice

It hit me this morning. Hard. In just two weeks (and technically, very delayed from the original date), we will take our oldest son Alex to Ithaca College for his second semester of Freshman year, but only his first semester on campus.

Ithaca went entirely virtual for the Fall of 2020. Can you tell how awesome Alex thought virtual learning and living at home for his first semester as a Freshman was?

That’s probably because he was seeing lots of his high school friends post selfies on social media as they were moving into their college dorms. So he sent me this selfie of his virtual dorm room. Or, as I like to call it, the room in our house that always has clothes on the floor.

Like everyone with school-aged kids, we’ve dealt with the challenges of virtual learning. Alex’s younger brother Nick is a senior in high school this year, but he seems much more happy about the virtual learning situation.

However, that smile may only be hiding the fact that he thinks we don’t know he has been turning in assignments late or (#SoBlessed) doesn’t do them at all. Look, son, September through November is a little early to have “Senior-itis.”

At one point, I advertised that we were willing to sell the naming rights to the dining room, to help fund the boys’ college accounts. I just don’t understand why my ad didn’t generate a single inquiry, because I included a photo: Virtual study hall. Previously called dining room. Willing to sell sponsorship renaming rights to any company. Serious inquiries only.

Maybe I should have clarified that the humans were included. Or, for the right price, we wouldn’t include them.

Our boys eventually found virtual learning to be a necessary evil an unfortunate situation not something mom purposely orchestrated to make them miserable, so just get over it already.

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In November, since the teenagers in the house were still schooling virtually, we decided a change of scenery was in order, and we spent a week in Myrtle Beach. The boys attended school online in the mornings and early afternoons.

Ithaca College, Myrtle Beach satellite campus

Their dad and I didn’t work, went for walks, and relaxed. We socially distanced ourselves and spent time enjoying the very sparsely populated beach.

In November, we also received news that the students were going to return to campus for the Spring semester at Ithaca.

And when we received confirmation of his move-in day in January, Alex tried hard not to express any excitement or enthusiasm.

This is my happy face, mom.

We haven’t had the heart to let our dog Mocha know that Alex’s departure is imminent. We’re not exactly sure how she is going to react to the fact that once he is on campus, we can’t visit, and he can’t come home until the semester is over. She’s likely to be devastated — Alex’s lap is her favorite.

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Just like everything else about 2020 — the year that knocked us upside down, sideways, and backward — there will be nothing “normal” about this mom getting to take her oldest son to college for his Freshman year. We have to drop him off, not help with moving any of his things in, and leave immediately once everything is offloaded. Thanks, ‘Rona.

Nor will there be anything as cool as this story and video of one of his football teammates being dropped off last year.

I’m hoping the coolest thing about the drop off is me. Because while I’m thrilled and excited for him to start the next chapter of his life, I feel like I’m not nearly cool enough to keep my heart from melting. Even though I’ve had 18 years, 10 months, and 10 days to get used to the idea.

It just feels like I’ve only had two weeks.

Becky’s 2020 Back-to-School Bingo Card

School starts tomorrow. So, this about sums it up…

I’ve Got An Announcement to Make

There are a number of things I never would have thought I’d hear myself mutter in 2020. Those include, but are certainly not limited to:

“What the fuck is a murder hornet?”

Oh, please. You know you’d vote for murder hornets.

“I need more fabric paint to decorate/personalize my face mask and headband.”

Glitter gold and royal blue fabric paint. But nothin’ for those grey roots starting to peek through.

“Look, I need the steps. Let’s go inside and pick up the food, instead of being so lazy and doing curbside delivery.”

Image courtesy of SafetySign.com. Because who says there isn’t money to be made in a pandemic (see also masks, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper)

“I haven’t filled up my car with gas in 2 months and I still have a full tank. And nowhere to fucking go.”

Image from the Chicago Tribune, courtesy of Paul Sancya/AP

“Well, we’ve watched everything else. So, sure, we can watch John Tucker Must Die – it’s such a masterpiece of American cinema.”

If you ask me, we should watch Bridget Jones’ Diary again.

“Oh shit. I never ordered your cap and gown. I wonder if we could borrow Noah Ferguson’s?”

Thank you to the Ferguson family for the loaner cap and gown, and the awesome packaging you put it in!

“What in the ever-loving pandemic hell do you mean you don’t expect a delivery of toilet paper for another week?”

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“I really wish there were more cool memes about whatever the hell this COVID-19 thing is, so that I could share them on social media.”

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And my personal favorite? “Hey genius…get dressed before you come downstairs. I’m really not interested in having all my colleagues see you walk behind me again in just your boxer briefs.”

Thank goodness no one was recording our Zoom meeting

The genius I’m referring to is my oldest son Alex. He made the guest appearance in the background of a work Zoom meeting, with about 15 of my colleagues watching.

But, I’m giving him a bit of a break because he’s a Class of 2020 Senior. And his final few months of high school have gone nothing like we ever anticipated:

• There was no Spring Track & Field season, where he would have competed in the throwing events with his football buddies Will and Ben
• There was no Prom
• There was no Senior skip day
• There was no Senior prank
• There will be no Big 33 game for him to play in, with the other kids from Maryland who made the team.
• There will be no Senior Week (now called SWeek) at the beach
• There will be no graduation ceremony with his entire class
• There will be no ‘Safe and Sound’ all night party at Adventure Park

And there was no formal, fancy, grand, scrolly-font-on-linen-paper graduation announcement to send out to family and friends, touting the fact that he had achieved this milestone.

Well, it’s not that an announcement like that wasn’t offered. It was offered, but we had no idea at the time if the scheduled June 3 graduation ceremony was going to take place at all. But that didn’t stop me from coming up with an idea for something special, to let everyone know just how special we think Alex is.

I had my amazingly talented designer friend Rebecca create a non-traditional card as an announcement. So, without further ado…

I have an announcement I’d like to make:

Cover of card

Inside of card

Back of card

A final accolade came in after the announcement was printed. Because of Alex’s accomplishments and awards for football in his Senior season, he is being inducted into the Walkersville High School Athletic Hall of Fame.

Globally, things we are familiar and comfortable with have changed. And for our family, things we are familiar and comfortable with will be changing when our oldest heads off to college this Fall.

Change and uncertainty be damned. The Rice family will be over here putting together something good. Maybe even something great. Please join us.

Congrats to all those in the Class of 2020!

Summer Job Board for Teenagers

The other day, I was browsing through the time suck that is Pinterest…or was it the time suck that is Facebook? Either way, my time was sucked.

I came across this image of (to be read in your most cheerful, sing-songy voice) a clever way to get your kids to help out with chores all Summer:

Which made me do this:

And not because I was stoned. Or because Kelso said something funny.

It was because I have teenagers. Teenage boys, to be specific. Their idea of a Summer “chore” is having to make their own lunch by ripping into a box of Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese. Or scooping out the proper number of cups from a box of potato flakes so they can (fake) carb load for lunch.

But the image got me thinking about my ideal Summer job board for my teenage sons. Here it is:

And when it comes to “Mom’s Choice”, this is how I roll:

Got some great ideas for chores? Create your own job board stickies here.

Top 8 Tips for Being a Volunteer Social Media Account Manager

A couple of years ago, I wrote about why I would never be put in charge of the Community sign board. The real reason, frankly, was that there were not enough symbols in the letter box for all the cuss words I would want to use.

Yeah, I’m gonna need a lot more of these symbols

Flash-forward to a few years later, when my oldest son entered high school and I joined the Athletic Boosters. There was a volunteer opportunity to up our social media cred with a more robust Facebook page and a new Twitter account.

Easy peasy. I just post game results from the paper, shout outs to alumni, and event announcements, right?

Here’s what I’ve learned so far when it comes to being the volunteer social media manager.

Tip #1: Be careful about posting more than one image in your twitter feed

One of the Booster accounts for a county rival posted two photos on twitter that caused an awkward appearing ‘headline.’ The red oval is where the two photos ‘combined’ in the Twitter feed, resulting in overlaps of the actual headlines, and leading to the unfortunate looking “Urbana Girls Grab Oakdale Boys” ‘headline.’

Tip #2: Parents will never see the posts about their own kids, so get ready for the blow back

No matter how many times you mention a sport, there will be someone whose kid is on the team and didn’t see the post. My remedy for this? I go back to every instance of me posting about that sport and tag that parent in the comments. Enjoy your ridiculous uptick in Facebook notifications, friend.

Tip #3: Tag parents on Facebook posts

Actual Facebook messenger mail I received: “I see you tagged <name of parent> when you posted about <student athlete’s> name in the paper. You didn’t tag me when <my precious angel> was named in the paper. How can you remedy that?”

I thought of replying with: “Oh my word! I had no idea <your precious angel> was your child, since:  a) the school has over 1,000 students, b) I don’t know every damn kid in the school, and 3) I don’t know your family or kid at all. Perhaps if you’d join the Boosters for the mere $25 a year membership fee, it would jog my memory when it comes to tagging your ass in every post for <my precious angel>.

Instead, I responded with: Thanks for letting me know. We’re always looking for new members and volunteers – hope to see you at a Boosters Meeting in the future!

Tip #4: Tag students on Twitter posts

They love to see themselves tagged and will “like” and “retweet”. A lot. So will their friends when they see it.

Just know that you will probably have to wade through a whole bunch of …

• @hotbod69
• @bootygirl4U
• @BIGlaxstick
• @team_balls_out

…nonsense twitter handles to find some of these athletes. Hey kids – do yourself a favor and set up a handle that reads more like someone trying to impress admissions officers at colleges, and less like you are trying to impress your potential Tinder dating pool. Except for you, Jacob Wetzel. I love your handle: @wetzhispants

Tip #5: If you are posting daily athletic contest schedules, be ready for Mother Nature to %*@! with you

I hate snow and rain, which has impacted every sport so far this year, multiple times this year. Even the indoor sports. When school is cancelled due to weather, so are all after school activities. Then they get rescheduled. Over and over.  So, be ready if Mother Nature is having a bad day/week/month/season. You’ll get carpal tunnel keeping up with all the changes.

Tip #6: You are not in charge of the @Wendys or @UMBCAthletics accounts.

While it would be a life goal of mine to be the person in charge of either of these accounts (filled with humor and snark – and getting paid for it!) I am currently NOT in charge of an account like this:

I really only got snarky/funny twice. Once, when a cross-town rival taunted our football team at a game this past Fall. We had graduated amazing groups of senior football players in 2017 and 2018, including Jacob Wetzel – the 2016 County Defensive Player of the Year, member of the 2016 State Championship team, member of the 2017 Conference Champion team, and 2017 County Offensive Player of the Year, who is now at Old Dominion University. The student section from the other team brought a sign, and I snapped a photo and tweeted about it:

I give Jacob a pass on his Twitter handle; it makes me laugh every time I have used it

And the second time, when our girls soccer team was a State finalist, and a local business wished them well.

I know Wendy’s knows what’s up also, but there isn’t a Wendy’s in our community.

Tip #7: If a sports emoji is missing; get creative. Literally.

We are the blue and gold Lions. Every social media post for our accounts concludes with 💙🦁💛 and then the emoji for that sport. 

For the first year, there was no softball emoji, so I used a blue diamond, for softball diamond: 💙🦁💛🔷. For lacrosse, I used the net: 💙🦁💛🥅 .  I am totally geeked out that I can now use the actual emojis:

 

 

We have a swim/dive team and I made a request for a springboard/platform dive emoji from Unicode. Basically, Unicode told me I have to create an image to submit for consideration.

Since I’m not a graphic designer, here’s my submission, Unicode: 🖕   How’s that for creative?

Tip #8: This is a volunteer gig, but one that matters to your community.

It’s tough, sometimes, to take the flack, to listen to the complainers, to always be asked for more of our time and energy.  However, I keep this in mind for all my volunteer work in the community:

💙🦁💛

In 2019, I Resolve to Have More Resolve

As a new year approaches, I reflect on everything I’ve accomplished in 2018. So far, the list includes:

• Baked over 500 cookies during the Christmas holiday season
• Began writing entries on my blog again
• Found no redeeming qualities of — or contributions to mankind from — any member of the Kardashian family
• Binge watched all the episodes of The Great British Baking Show
• Didn’t get arrested
• Watched my oldest son play his last baseball game after 10 years participating in the sport, without becoming too much of a blubbering, unhinged mess
• Watched my youngest son catch the same pay-it-forward bug as I have, through his high school lacrosse team’s community service efforts, without bragging too much about it
• Participated in the Terrible Thanks for Asking podcast #TerribleWritingClub Challenge
• Not losing my shit when I was told how much adding a 16 year old boy driver to our car insurance policy would cost
• Bought a new car, then suffered severe buyer’s remorse as I realized the monthly payment means we have to curtail our habit of dining out at least 3…well, maybe 4…ok, so more like at least 5 times a week

So what are my resolutions for 2019? Well, the list is simple:

• Bake cookies and goodies as much as I can
• Write in my blog as much as I can
• Ignore the Kardashians as much as I can
• Binge watch shows I like as much as I can
• Avoid behaviors that could lead to an arrest as much as I can
• Get to my oldest son’s new Spring sport — high school Track & Field competitions — as much as I can
• Support my youngest son’s community service efforts with his lacrosse team as much as I can
• Listen to more Podcasts and participate in more listener activities as much as I can
• Not freaking out about our insurance premiums — especially when I add the second teen boy driver to the policy in late 2019 — as much as I can
• Not suffer buyer’s remorse and make dinner at home as much as I can

Finally, I will not beat myself up for not making dinner at home as much as I can. Because I know how much resolve I have when it comes to that.

 

How Are You – Really?

Because of my long work commute — and when my teenagers haven’t eaten up all our fucking data 6 days before the end of the billing cycle — I listen to podcasts. I subscribe to How I Built This, Criminal, Terrible Thanks for Asking, and The Mortified Podcast among others.

The Terrible, Thanks for Asking podcast issued a writing challenge, and I texted my interest as requested. The first writing request came through on November 15 – so here goes…

“How Are You — Really?” – November 15, 2018

Quick answer? Of course I’m totally up to my ass in alligators, so this post is two days late.  But here are a couple of the things I was thinking about on November 15, 2018…

• I feel grateful to be teleworking. Normally on a Thursday, I would be making the trek to work, but because of 1-3″ of snow predicted, I am working from home. Schools are closed, so that means 2 teenage sons, 2 dogs and 1 work-from-home husband are also in the house with me. And that 1-3 annoying inches turned out to be 8.1″.I am also grateful I figured out the thermostat had reset to 60 degrees and that’s why the house was freezing and not because the stupid HVAC system had gone out again.
• I really feel annoyed because Mother Nature is a spiteful bitch — yet another high school game has to be rescheduled today. As the manager of social media (Facebook and Twitter accounts) for my son’s high school Boosters program, I have had to update schedules because of rain outs/thunderstorms throughout the entire Fall season. Today, it is the State Championship for our girls soccer team – the first time they have ever been to the State Championship. However, due to the weather, it is now rescheduled to Friday. So I am spending time updating event posts, images created, and responding to parent inquiries about decisions made … because, yes, the governing body of Maryland State high school sports consults me specifically about what is convenient — or not — for all of you before it reschedules anything.
• I’m a bit pensive as I ruminate about my job description. My boss shared a proposed update with me and asked for feedback, as we work together to build a strong team with talents focused in the correct areas. I think it is a good start, but I plan to discuss some nuances that would make it a better use of my strengths. Because, I need to own my path and stand for what I’m passionate about and what resonates with me. I am feeling confident about my ability to have that conversation.

So that’s where my head is at today, Thursday, November 15, 2018: grateful, annoyed, pensive and confident. At least I’m not terrible. Thanks for asking.

#TerribleWritingClub

WWTTMD (What Would This Team Mom Do)

I have never had the chore  drudgery  onus  privilege of being a team mom for any of the sports my boys have played. The list of sports since 2008 includes soccer (briefly), baseball (until this year), football and basketball (still playing both), and lacrosse (since 2014). Next Spring, we start track & field.

I have had 40 seasons (spring-summer-fall-winter) over 10 years to offer my services as team mom.  I have not volunteered even one time to actually be the team mom. However, positions I have held include:

• team photographer
• team fundraising organizer
• team baker
• team cheerleader and spirit wearer
• team face painter (my own and others)
• team snack maker
• team dinner server

Of course, the position I am always actively involved in and exercise the most is team eye roller, when I hear parents  snivel  whine  bitch  offer criticism about anything team related, including (but certainly not limited to):

• more playing time for their kid
• location of events
• referees
• our coach’s play calling
• the other team’s rudeness (coaches, players, fans)
• why we can’t have names on uniforms
• having to work the concession stand
• team dinner sign ups
• team pictures process

So, if you’d like to know what I would do as team mom (and why I will never actually be team mom), here’s the list:

Your complaint: More playing time for your kid

If I were team mom, I would tell you there are:

But I don’t have time to go over all 12 tips because I have other parents who have the same  annoying damn question. So, in the interest of maximizing my time, here are all 12 tips synthesized into 12 easy words:  Not one of the kids on this team is going pro. Deal.

Your complaint: The Location of Events

If I were team mom, I would tell you that unless you want to double the time you are voluntold to spend in the concession stand, it is sweet blessed relief to travel to another team’s field so you can give that knowing look to the parents in that concession stand when you order the luke-warm diet soda and foil wrapped, smashed hotdog.

Your complaint: Referees

If I were team mom, I would tell you that we don’t have the money to fund the lasik surgery they all clearly need. And that I have no interest in heading up the fundraiser it would take to pay for it.

(C) John McPherson/Distributed by Universal Uclick via cartoonstock.com

Your complaint: Our coach’s play calling

If I were team mom, I would tell you to volunteer your weekends and weeknights for practices and game days. This would also include listening to <insert number of kids on team here> parents tell you as a volunteer coach exactly what you are doing wrong and how to correct it. And please listen to all of these experts and then not tell them to f*ck off.

Your complaint: The other team’s rudeness (players, coaches, fans)

If I were team mom, I would tell you that unless anyone from the other side (player, coach and/or fan) looks like this, just shut up and cheer your kid and our team on.

Your complaint: Why we can’t have names on uniforms

If I were team mom, I would pull out this sign and shove it in your face. Plus it costs money to personalize jerseys, so I will just ask you to cut a check for every player’s jersey if that shit so important to you.

 

Your complaint: Having to work the concession stand

If I were team mom, I would tell you the money we make from concession sales helps to fund things for the sport … like parents who insist that every player get a personalized jersey every year. So, shut up and make the sno-cones.

Your complaint: Team dinner sign ups

If I were team mom, I would bark back at you that I’m the one who has to nag the shit out of people to sign up for the 18 slots available, when there are 50+ kids on the team. Oh yeah, and it’s the same parents who sign up every week. The remaining 30+ wait until all the slots are full and will then fight over who gets to bring a package of napkins – which isn’t even on the list.

Your complaint: Team picture process

If I were team mom, I would remind you that Ansel Adams has no kids on the team, so Victor O’Neill (who doesn’t have any kids on the team either) and his Studio flunky assigned to this team on this day are the people in charge.  Just to be clear, there are also two important elements that I don’t control. They are 1)  that your kid joined the team late and missed picture day, and/or 2) whether or not you would have preferred the jersey with their name on it for the picture.

So, now that I’ve covered the basics of team momming, let me know if you have any questions.

What the Suck?

While driving home from work the other day, an ad came on the radio. Normally, I’m pretty good at filtering out the ads between music, but this one really grabbed my attention based on two simple words.

Vampire. Facial.

Editor’s note: Do not do an internet image search on “vampire bite”, “vampire sucking on a face” or “vampire attack” to get a funny picture to add to your blog. Unless you would like a bunch of porno vampire images in your search engine memory or malware warnings even when you click on the three non-porno images out of the bajillion porno images. You’re welcome.

The reigning queen of being famous for absolutely nothing and having no talent, well, she had one of these unusual beauty treatments in 2013. She even shared a photo on Instagram during the middle of it:

Image courtesy of Mrs. K-West’s Instagram account.

The reigning queen of being famous for absolutely nothing other than having a bangin’ body and exotic beauty (but — most importantly — having no talent what-so-ever) also has over 116 million followers on Instagram. Her post sky-rocketed interest in this treatment option, that (reportedly) can also be used to beef up your brows or even your breasts.

Including my social media accounts Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and this blog, I have just over 2,000 people who follow me.  So, compared to Kim K-W when it comes to influence and ability to generate revenue on social media…

No wonder I have menopausal acne, my brows droop and my boobs sag. The reason certainly can’t be because I turn 52 in a few days. It’s really all because I can’t afford vampire facials. Or vampire brow and boob lifts.

Earlier this year, Kim was quoted as saying about the procedure, “It was honestly the most painful thing ever!” Really? I would have guessed losing her dad to cancer would be the most painful thing ever. But I only have 2,000 social media followers, so what do I know?

Well, here’s what I know. ‘Vampire facials’ are the grab-you-by-the-balls, made-up marketing name for a combination of microdermabrasion followed by a mask of platelet-rich plasma (PRP) that helps boost your skin’s cell turnover. The plasma is your own – a doctor will draw blood from you, spin it in a centrifuge to extract the PRP, and then inject or apply it topically.

Plus, I also know that ‘Vampire facial’ is much easier to pronounce than microdermabrasion, platelet-rich plasma and centrifuge.

You know what doesn’t roll off the tongue so easily? ‘Celebrities-who-don’t- have-the-confidence-to-age-gracefully-but-have-plenty-of-money-to-spend-on-stupid-ass-shit-that-their-bajillion-followers-will-try-even-though-those-followers-do-not-have-that- kind-of-disposable-income’.

But that’s ok, because I’m a confident 52, even without a vampire facial. So suck on that.

I am a 52 year old Leo…hear me roar.