A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life


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We Don’t Need No Water

My husband is a quiet, unassuming guy. He has a funny bone, but doesn’t employ it nearly as much as his loud, vivacious, annoying, outspoken, untamed, outgoing and sometimes drunk Tequila loving wife does.

But every once and awhile, he still surprises me.

We had discovered a leak in a skylight in our bathroom, and had a repair company come out and take a look. They were scheduled to do an inspection at 8:00am Monday morning. When I didn’t hear anything from him, I texted this:

Like, how much fixing it is going to cost?

If it’s taking this long, it can’t be good news

And because he was probably taking his afternoon nap (really…getting up around 10:00am is so exhausting), he didn’t respond right away. But while I was suffering through another Metro train ride on my way home, this popped up:

on Fire? Um...

on Fire? Um…

Which was quickly followed by this:

Burn

Clever, you jackass.

Love that guy.

================================

Listen to Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three rap out The Roof is on Fire and sing along with the lyrics below:

Let’s make some noise! (x 5)

Hey girls, B-boys
Superstar DJs – here we go!

Somebody say ‘Ho’ (Ho)
Say ‘Ho, Ho’ (Ho, Ho)
Now somebody, anybody, everybody scream (Scream)

Now throw your hands in the air
And wave ’em like you just don’t care
And if you’re not a square from Delaware
And you got on clean underwear
And your momma ain’t on welfare
Somebody say ‘Oh, yeah’ (Oh, yeah)
Oh, yeah! (Oh, yeah)

Well DJ’s spinning on the wheels of steel
Like it ain’t no thing, cause he is for real
He’s cuttin’ the jams with a wave of his hand
And it sounds so fresh it’ll make you stand
You hear the highs in your eyes, the bass in your face
This super DJ can rock the place
You hear bass, highs, tremblin’ tones
He can even cut the jams without the headphones

Well Stick Rick is rockin’ to the break of day
Makin’ all the fly girls that wanna give me a play
Now if your DJ rocks to the break of day
Let me hear you say ‘DJ’ (DJ)
DJ (DJ)

We’re gonna rock to the break of day
Say ‘Keep on rockin’ it’ (Keep on rockin’ it)
Keep on rockin’ it (Keep on rockin’ it)
Come on y’all – Keep on rockin’ it (Keep on rockin’ it)

Heh

Uhn – Uhn, uhn, uhn

Now clap your hands and stomp your feet
While the DJ scratch to the funky beat
He’s makin’ you move until your body sweat
He’s even givin’ you more than you supposed to get
Now twist and turn and let your body burn
And show everybody what you just learned
Let’s all get together and form a crowd
While the DJ play it, nice and loud
Now everybody in the place to be
Let’s all get together, repeat after me
Say, ‘Rock the house’ (Rock the house)
Say, ‘Rock the house’ (Rock the house)
Everybody say, ‘Turn it out’ (Turn it out)
Come on – Turn it out (Turn it out)
I like it (I like it)
Come on – I love it (I love it)
Let me hear ya – I like it (I like it)
One more time – I love it (I love it)
Come on

Well I’m the master blaster, a man to see
Rockin’ the bass for everybody
If ya DJ rocks to the break of day
Somebody say ‘DJ’ (DJ)
DJ (DJ)
We’re gonna rock it to the break of day
Say ‘Keep on rockin’ it’ (Keep on rockin’ it)
Keep on rockin’ it (Keep on rockin’ it)
Keep on rockin’ it (Keep on rockin’ it)
Keep on rockin’ it (Keep on rockin’ it)

Djs now, I’m coming strong
You better take my advice
Because it lasts this long
Is rocking the house
One job well done
For any DJ in this world to be someone
To make a fella say “Hoo” the girls get loose
The crowd wanted that?????????????
You wanna make some cash
Because it’s all about ?????
… no matter how much you spend

Now everybody in the place to be
Let’s all get together, repeat after me
Say, ‘Ho’ (Ho)
Say, ‘Ho, ho’ (Ho, ho)
Once again – I like it (I like it)
Come on – I love it (I love it)
One more time – I like it (I like it)
Come on – I love it (I love it) Ha!

All the fellas in the house if ya wanna break dance
Say, ‘Break dance’ (Break dance)
Say, ‘Break dance’ (Break dance)
Come on
Say, ‘Break – break, break, break’ (Break – break, break, break)
Cut it up DJ

This DJ cut different ways
So let me hear you cut it, DJ

Let’s make some noise (Ho)
Let’s make some noise – come on
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
(We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn)
(Burn, motherfucker, burn)
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
(We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn)
(Burn, motherfucker, burn)

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
Say ‘Ho’ (Ho)
Say ‘Ho’ (Ho)

Source: Songfacts, LLC

Writer/s: MICHAEL BELL, CHARLIE EMPRERE, BYRON MCCANE, RICHARD FOWLER, CHARLES PETTIFORD, GREG WIGFALL, RICKY WALTERS, JERRY BLOODROCK, LELITE EVANS
Publisher: MUSIC & MEDIA INT’L, INC., CLARKJAY PRODUCTIONS, INC.
Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

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The Distance from Clean to Dirty

Last Thursday, I headed right from work to my kids’ lacrosse practice  baseball practice  strength training what the fuck ever sports thing I needed to be at.

The following day, I was traveling to Boston for a conference to give a presentation. Since I didn’t have time to do it myself on the way home from work, I had asked my husband to pick up the dry cleaning, so I would have some fancy duds to take with me. Because this is what happens when he is in charge of doing the laundry:

Clean? Dirty? Who the hell knows.

Clean? Dirty? Who the hell knows.

He begrudgingly agreed to pick up the dry cleaning. But not without letting me know (repeatedly) how much it was a pain in the ass for him to break away from his work-at-home job and how it was going to cut into his lunch hour. (Editor’s note: This from a guy who sets his iPhone alarm to wake him up five minutes before our oldest needs to leave for the bus to yell from our bed “Alex, time to leave for the bus!”, who repeats this when it’s time for the youngest to catch the bus, and who takes conference calls from the bed if they occur before 10:00am. By 10:00am, I’ve been up for over 4 hours and at my job actually working for over 2 hours. Just sayin’.)

I mean … what was I thinking asking him to go to the dry cleaner, when that was going to screw up his afternoon nap  attempts to get past level 307 on Candy Crush all the intense work he’d be trying to schedule into his day? Cuz the dry cleaner is so far out of his way. All the way across the street from our development. Hell, it might as well be the same distance as from our washer to our dryer.

And you’ve seen how that can turn out.


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We’ve Reached Our Limit

My husband and I have smart phones. But evidently, they are not smart enough to …

–>Prevent rogue text messages from polluting my husband’s account after he
–>Signs up to receive text message tips for some stupid-ass online game he plays, which
–>Sends an unbelievable number of messages to your phone because it’s really a discussion board, sending a text every time someone posts a tip, a response, or comment
–>all of which will cost you A SHITLOAD OF OVERAGE MONEY

However, my smart phone — which is also the main line on the account — was smart enough to:

  1. Send me this e-mail at 8:39 am:

    Verizon email this early in the morning?  If only I hadn't been in a meeting and had seen it.

    Verizon email this early in the morning? If only I hadn’t been in a meeting and had seen it.

  2. Send me this text at 8:41 am:

    Damn, still in a meeting so I didn't see this either.

    Damn, still in a meeting so I didn’t see this either.

  3. Send me this e-mail at 10:37 am :

    Another e-mail...wait does that say over the limit?

    Um…does that say over the limit?

  4. Send me this text at 11:22 am:

    Jesus H,  we are over our limit on texts -- WTF?

    Jesus H, we are over our limit on texts — WTF?

All these love notes from the Verizon billing department (which was now busy planning cruises for their executives with all the overage charges we were racking up) prompted me to call my husband and inquire if:

–>the kids were messing with the phone (even though I knew they weren’t because they were in school. Right?)
–>because if they weren’t, Verizon has our account messed up with another family with text-obsessed teenagers
–>since we never even come close to our 250 texts per month limit
–>so somebody at Verizon most certainly done fucked up.

I got my husband on the phone (since we were over the limit on texts) and in a rather conciliatory voice, he let me know:

–>that he had signed up for some dumb-ass online game tips text service
–>and since that time, his phone had been blowing up
–>because it turns out that this was a message/discussion board
–>and every time his geeky game brethren posted something to the site, it came through as a text message to his phone

So, in effort to make sure I didn’t find out — my husband had:

–>freaked out and tried to stop the texts by blocking the number
–>and when that didn’t work, he tried calling Verizon and was told he couldn’t change account settings
–>because I’m the primary on the account, so he knew he was busted and couldn’t fix this without telling me
–>since Verizon wouldn’t let him do anything without my approval 

I do believe we’ll be enacting the Verizon protocol from now on. For all his decisions.


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One Thumb Up

This past Monday, there were tons of lovely photos of my local Facebook friends’ kids. It was the first day of school, and there were big smiles (the kids, not just the parents), a bunch of new outfits to pose in, fresh supplies in new backpacks, and plenty of waves as eager youngsters stepped up onto the bus.

I had asked my husband to be sure and get a photo of the boys – it was Alex’s first day in middle school and Nick’s first day of his last year in elementary school. Mini-milestone day, right?

And anything had to be better than the joy-fest I captured last year on the first day of school:

The Rice boys on the first day of school.  Mr. Happy and his brother The Imp.  Image from: mom's camera after much begging for at least a smile.

The Rice boys on the first day of school in 2012. Mr. Happy and his brother The Imp.

I had reminded my husband Sunday night about the picture, before I went to bed. I texted him again on my way to work the next morning.  He didn’t respond.

Not a good sign…unless the sign I was looking for was “Oh shit! I forgot she asked me to do that.”

I didn’t hear from him all morning, so I took to social media to shame him  make light of the fact that I was the only parent on the planet who didn’t get a first day of school picture.  So I posted this on Facebook:

That's right. I'll call a father out.

That’s right. I’ll call a dad out.

My post received 29 likes, only 5 of which were from male friends. Dads.  Dads who I am sure posted pictures of their own little cherubs on the first day of school.  The other 24 likes from my female friends were truly a sign of solidarity.  It’s as if they were clicking the like button, but knew that instead of “like”, it really meant “yes, your husband is a numbskull for not getting that picture.”

There were also 3 comments, with suggestions like writing it on his hand, or placing a post-it on his hand.  Perhaps if I stapled it to his hand, he’d have a harder time forgetting.

And then, at 4:34pm, this comment popped up under the picture:

Better late than never, right?

Better late than never, right?

Here’s a close up of the picture:

Happy? Happy? Joy? Joy?

Who’s happy to be back in school?

So, I guess I can give my husband a thumbs up for sort of getting the photo.

(c) Photograph: Bloomberg/Getty Images

(c) Photograph: Bloomberg/Getty Images