I have never had the
chore drudgery onus privilege of being a team mom for any of the sports my boys have played. The list of sports since 2008 includes soccer (briefly), baseball (until this year), football and basketball (still playing both), and lacrosse (since 2014). Next Spring, we start track & field.
I have had 40 seasons (spring-summer-fall-winter) over 10 years to offer my services as team mom. I have not volunteered even one time to actually be the team mom. However, positions I have held include:
- team photographer
- team fundraising organizer
- team baker
- team cheerleader and spirit wearer
- team face painter (my own and others)
- team snack maker
- team dinner server
Of course, the position I am always actively involved in and exercise the most is team eye roller, when I hear parents
snivel whine bitch offer criticism about anything team related, including (but certainly not limited to):
- more playing time for their kid
- location of events
- our coach’s play calling
- the other team’s rudeness (coaches, players, fans)
- why we can’t have names on uniforms
- having to work the concession stand
- team dinner sign ups
- team pictures process
So, if you’d like to know what I would do as team mom (and why I will never actually be team mom), here’s the list:
Your complaint: More playing time for your kid
If I were team mom, I would tell you there are:
But I don’t have time to go over all 12 tips because I have other parents who have the same
annoying damn question. So, in the interest of maximizing my time, here are all 12 tips synthesized into 12 easy words: Not one of the kids on this team is going pro. Deal.
Your complaint: The Location of Events
If I were team mom, I would tell you that unless you want to double the time you are voluntold to spend in the concession stand, it is sweet blessed relief to travel to another team’s field so you can give that knowing look to the parents in that concession stand when you order the luke-warm diet soda and foil wrapped, smashed hotdog.
Your complaint: Referees
If I were team mom, I would tell you that we don’t have the money to fund the lasik surgery they all clearly need. And that I have no interest in heading up the fundraiser it would take to pay for it.
Your complaint: Our coach’s play calling
If I were team mom, I would tell you to volunteer your weekends and weeknights for practices and game days. This would also include listening to <insert number of kids on team here> parents tell you as a volunteer coach exactly what you are doing wrong and how to correct it. And please listen to all of these experts and then not tell them to f*ck off.
Your complaint: The other team’s rudeness (players, coaches, fans)
If I were team mom, I would tell you that unless anyone from the other side (player, coach and/or fan) looks like this, just shut up and cheer your kid and our team on.
Your complaint: Why we can’t have names on uniforms
If I were team mom, I would pull out this sign and shove it in your face. Plus it costs money to personalize jerseys, so I will just ask you to cut a check for every player’s jersey if that shit so important to you.
Your complaint: Having to work the concession stand
If I were team mom, I would tell you the money we make from concession sales helps to fund things for the sport … like parents who insist that every player get a personalized jersey every year. So, shut up and make the sno-cones.
Your complaint: Team dinner sign ups
If I were team mom, I would bark back at you that I’m the one who has to nag the shit out of people to sign up for the 18 slots available, when there are 50+ kids on the team. Oh yeah, and it’s the same parents who sign up every week. The remaining 30+ wait until all the slots are full and will then fight over who gets to bring a package of napkins – which isn’t even on the list.
Your complaint: Team picture process
If I were team mom, I would remind you that Ansel Adams has no kids on the team, so Victor O’Neill (who doesn’t have any kids on the team either) and his Studio flunky assigned to this team on this day are the people in charge. Just to be clear, there are also two important elements that I don’t control. They are 1) that your kid joined the team late and missed picture day, and/or 2) whether or not you would have preferred the jersey with their name on it for the picture.
So, now that I’ve covered the basics of team momming, let me know if you have any questions.