A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life


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Becky Who?

In case you’ve been living under a rock, Beyonce dropped a visual album last weekend. Suddenly, everyone’s thirst for celebrity gossip is being quenched by Lemonade. More like sour grapes, if you ask me.

And everyone wants to know who the fuck ‘Becky with the good hair’ is. There has been much speculation about who the home-wrecker could be, much to the delight of those of us who bask in the train-wreckdom that can be celebrity.

Or maybe, everyone is just anxious to prove they are not ‘Becky with the good hair’. Like Rachel Roy (who I, too, might confuse with Rachel Ray):Skimm Image

or pop singer Rita Ora…

Eonline Becky Pic

or Full House actress Lori Loughlin…Becky Full House

Even Iggy Azalea is determined to clear her name, which — hello, you narcissistic twit — wasn’t even in the running…Iggy the Idiot

So as Beckys and non-Beckys everywhere start denying the moniker of mistress/homewrecker/cheater, this Becky is here to say…

Becky with the good hair

You know how you’d know it was me that Queen Bee was talking about? If she had sung:

Becky with a shit ton of laundry to foldLaundry to Fold

Becky with an absolute disdain for working the little league concession standSno Cones

Becky who is about 2 weeks late with the Root Touch-up In spite of what my roots would have you believe, I was not a skunk for Halloween
Becky with a bad sunburnSunburn Face

Becky with a bunch of crazy ass sports mom friends who love doing Fireball shotsSports Moms

Becky with a lack of selfie-taking skillsBad Selfie

So, let’s face it. I may be Becky with 99 problems, but being the Becky ain’t one.


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Change I Can Live With

If you’re an uncool mom like me, you don’t love/like/care about/know any of today’s one-hit wonders in the pop music world. To me, all of them are inter-changeable without any distinguishing features. Or much talent.

I became interested in music in the late-70s and 80s, and my tastes morphed as I grew up:

  • in middle school, it was classic rock icons like Zeppelin, The Doors, The Rolling Stones, AC/DC, The Beatles and others so that my street cred with the older kids I was trying to impress would be boosted
  • in high school, I swooned over bad-boy rock bands in shiny pleather pants, ripped t-shirts, too much faux zebra print, more eyeliner than Maybelline or CoverGirl could keep in stock, with hair that kept AquaNet rolling in cash
  • in college, it was punk rock/new wave, with faves like The Clash, The Cure, The Go Gos, The Tubes, INXS, Blondie, and Devo.
  • in my post-college 20s, I donned flannel so show my solidarity for grunge rock as I chased local bands and shook my head until I strained my neck muscles, to tunes from Nirvana, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and the like.

Much like my teen years in general, my musical tastes were all over the place. The one place they didn’t veer toward was pop. They have never veered toward pop.

So when some singer named Iggy

or was it Shakira…Lorde…Taylor…Demi…Salena…Ariana…Kei$ha…Katey…Meghan…Miley — I just can’t tell them apart

got all pissed that the only reason she seems to be getting attention is for the plastic surgery she’s having, I did get interested in pop music. But, Iggy, since you’re bitching about the attention you are getting for plastic surgery, I figured I would address your concerns. Not in the totally cool way that many bloggers more creative than myself write those “Dear Obnoxious Celebrity” letters, but in the STFU you whiny, questionably talented, overpaid ass sort of way. So here goes…

Iggy was quoted during an interview in which she opened up about having plastic surgery. Aside from the incredibly deep and insightful “We’re all doing it anyway” argument, she also said this:

 

So Iggy, this is what you think of people who criticize you for having plastic surgery? I agree with you – why should you be criticized for having plastic surgery when you could be criticized for…say…being totally dismissive of the opportunity to do good for others with a small portion of your ridiculously over-stuffed bank account.

But when it comes to what women — regular, everyday women — would change with $10 million in their account tomorrow…well let me give you some insight into what this woman would change.

  • I would change my employment status: that’s right bitches, PEACE OUT to working for the man full time. Except…I like what I do, who I work for, and the people I work with. So even though my husband would spend the rest of his life unemployed, eating Cheese-Its, and shouting at the xBox that he “did so press button A and his wide receiver should have run the out route and not the in route,” his wife could not. And changing my employment status would lead to…
  • Changing my commute to work: after giving my current employer time to find a replacement for me, I would then do volunteer work locally. You see, I spend 4 hours each day commuting to work, between the stop-and-go drive to the Metro station, parking and walking to the platform, the Metro ride to downtown, and then walking to my office. And I get to do it all in reverse to head home. So changing my commute to something local would give me four glorious hours back in each weekday. I wouldn’t even need a facelift because I’d be smiling so much. And all that time saved would…
  • Change the amount of time I have to volunteer in my community. I’ve always been a big believer in pay-it-forward. Even when I was laid off a few years ago, I continued to use my money to make treats and goodies for my son’s baseball team that Summer and I took tons of photos to share with the parents. I volunteered to help manage the Facebook page of our baseball league and started pages for individual teams my sons played on. I volunteered at the local center for the arts. I did pro bono work, helping a nonprofit develop a sponsorship program. I did all this while looking for a job – and looking for a job can be a full time job! The layoff meant our family had a big reduction in income and it necessitated I give up things, including (but not limited to) mani/pedis, fancy haircuts/colorings, and a gym membership. But I know the pay-it-forward approach makes me beautiful from the inside out. And how people see my personality has always been more important than how they see me physically.12804622_1160320587326262_675410197340451188_n
  • I would change my attitude about having to make dinner: Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I would still hate making dinner. But, with $10 million at least I would feel less guilty about eating out all the time.

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I never feel guilty about eating out.

But one thing I wouldn’t change about myself? I wouldn’t begin liking the vacuous, self-absorbed individuals who are looking for empathy about the struggles with being scrutinized because they have so much disposable income that they use it for plastic surgery to improve themselves.

And that’s a lack of change I can live with.

 

 


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I Have Some Serious Kobe Numbers…Maybe I Should Retire Also

Basketball has never been my favorite sport. Not when I’m watching it on TV (college or NBA), or sitting in a smelly gym on sub-standard bleachers getting splinters in my ass while middle school teen boys make their best effort to score points and impress the middle school girls who have come to watch.

But I am impressed with Kobe Bryant’s incredible run with one team (his inability to stay faithful to one wife; not so impressive).  And his stats are amazing for what will be a 20-year career when he finally walks away from it all.

This week, he announced that he’s made the decision at the ripe old age of 37 and with a net worth of $360 million (give or take), to retire at the end of this season. At the ripe old age of 49, I believe I’ve got a net worth of $360 worth of glitter glue I will never use on projects I wish I had the time for.

With a solid decade on Kobe in terms of age, I decided to compare his career in basketball to my career in being a parent to kids who play sports. What I’ve found is that I have definitely put in some serious time, banked some serious numbers, and frankly, I should technically be ready for some serious retirement.

How ’bout we let the numbers speak for themselves:

Well, there you have it. Kobe’s 20 year career as a basketball pro vs my 13 year career as a mom. Look at the numbers I’ve amassed — and 7 years faster than Kobe. What a sparkling, shining, and shimmering example of pro motherhood.

Seems all that glitters is not just crafting glue.


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Mark My Words

So, Marshawn Lynch decided he was going to trademark the phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” I had decided that in response to this, I was going to trademark the phrase “That athlete’s an egotistical ass.”

My first thought was, I’m going be so rich! And now, nothing was going to stand in the way of my champagne Patrón wishes and caviar spinach dip dreams.

I decided to do some research, to make sure my potentially trademarked phrase would still be available. I took a look at some of the phrases that (airquote) famous (end airquote) people have trademarked.

Here’s a small sampling of what’s trademarked, and I think my checking account is pretty safe. For the most part.

That’s Hot® : owned by Paris Hilton, however it only applies to descriptions of alcohol and clothing. I’ve never used that phrase to describe alcohol or clothing. However, I may have said it repeatedly while 1) watching Magic Mike, 2) watching my husband fold laundry , and/or 3) yelling at my kids when they were younger about why they shouldn’t touch the stove.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble®: owned by Vince McMahon of WWE fame. As of 2009, he had made $400 million off this trademark. In 2015, he’s worth $1.2 billion. I don’t recall ever saying that, because I was never a Jet or a Shark.

Tebowing®: owned by Tim Tebow. Since I don’t get down on one knee to pray/clean/look for shit under the couches/pick up dirty laundry/scrub the baseboards/look for my other earring that fell behind the nightstand, I should be ok on this one also.

Jeah®: owned by Ryan Lotche (rhymes with douche?). Here he attempts to explain Jeah®:

The fuck? Lay off the weed, dude. I’m not giving this douche any money…even if I do accidentally slur the word after too many Patrón margaritas.

Three-peat®: owned by Pat Riley when in 1993 he thought he was going to — but failed to — win a third world championship with the LA Lakers. I wonder if this phrase could ever be used in my house, e.g., “If mom made dinner three nights in a row, we’d all die from the surprise of a Three-peat®.” I may end up owing some a bit a shit ton of money to Mr. Riley.

I die®: owned by Rachel Zoe. See above; would apply if child and/or husband spoke in the singular person. This one may also end up with me writing royalty checks to Rachel, who obviously won’t use the money for something as amazing as spinach dip.

Bam®: owned by Emeril Lagasse, American chef. I think you need to cook dinner in order to say this. Definitely will owe no money for this (see Rachel Zoe and Pat Riley above).

They are who we thought they were® : owned Dennis Green, former head coach of Arizona Cardinals. Said during a 2006 press conference following a game vs the Bears. Pretty sure no one in the Witness Protection Program lives in my neighborhood. Should be ok.

Fear the brow® and Raise the brow®: owned by Anthony Davis who said “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it.” No worries Mr. Davis. I’ve spent most of my adult life waxing the shit out of my unibrow because there is just no money in it. Trust me. My husband is able to raise one eyebrow, but — and I hate to break it to you — we have seen no financial windfall from this talent ability freakish abnormality.

It's hard to see in this picture, but here my husband is giving our son the "people's eyebrow".

It’s hard to see in this picture, but my husband is giving our son one raised eyebrow.

50 cent® : owned by rapper Curtis Jackson, who is also known as 50 cent. Err..50 cent®. If Curtis is smart, he’ll change his son’s name to $700K. And trademark it.

Blue Ivy Carter® : owned by Beyonce/BKG entertainment. No worries here. Rather than speaking the actual name, I will just say “So, another celebrity has named their child something unusual. That’s why my kids will never amount to anything star-worthy. Their names are too ‘plain white Rice'”.

Hmmm…Plain White Rice. As unusual names go, That’s Hot!


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A Little Respect, Please

By now, most of us know the rant Kanye Kardashian burst out with after this year’s Grammy’s, with (no) respect to Beck for winning Album of the Year:

“I don’t even know what [Beck] said. I just know that, the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We aren’t going to play with them no more. ‘Flawless.’ Beyoncé’s video. And Beck needs to respect artistry, he should have given his award to Beyoncé. At this point, we tired of it. What happens is, when you keep on diminishing art, and not respecting the craft, and smacking people in the face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration. We, as musicians, have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album, and they feel like it takes them to a different place. And then they do this promotional event, and they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. We aren’t playing with them anymore. And by the way, I got my wife, my daughter, and I got my clothing line, so I’m not going to do nothing that would put my daughter at risk, but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s why I didn’t say anything tonight, but you all knew what it meant when ‘Ye stepped on that stage.”  -From The Daily Beast

You can't fix stupid.

You can’t fix stupid.

By golly, Mr. Kardashian really let people know he was outraged. And Beyonce is amazing. Given everything going on in the world today, I am glad Kanye is focusing his ire and vitrol and things that really matter.

So I thought … at the Parent of the Year Awards, I wonder what it would feel like if I was a nominee and someone else won. And I realized I would be outraged also, because:

  • What do you mean most nominees make dinner more than 2 nights a week? And how come making the trip to pick up carry out doesn’t count?
  • Is it really “irresponsible parenting” if your 13 and 12 year old sons have seen the uncut versions of Wedding Crashers, The Hangover, Role Models, 22 Jump Street, and Old School? Because I would so be the winner of that category.
  • How is it possible that scrapbooking every milestone for your child is a measure of anything other than too much free time on your hands?
  • Teaching your kids sign language does too involve “the finger”.
  • Do your kids know all the words to Uptown Funk? Do you beam with pride when your boys croon like Usher ‘We want a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed…’?  Are your boys as internationally savvy as my munchkins, who can belt out lyrics like ‘In Brazil they’re freaky with big ol’ boobs’, better than Pitbull?
  • More importantly, do your boys cringe and complain when a Katy Perry song comes on the radio? (If you can’t answer yes to that one, you shouldn’t even be nominated).

So, I guess I do understand why Mr. Kardashian is so miffed. Of course, he’s trying real hard to be a decent human being about all that anger and frustration. I mean, we all believe this:

 “these voices were in my head” and “When I said that thing about respect artistry, I think it came off the wrong way, and that was a mis-wording on my part….

Hey Kanye. Respect this:

Word.

Word.


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But I Did It First

Last week, the shy, retiring, conservative hot mess Miley Cyrus posted a photo of herself to Instagram. It sparked big controversy. Here’s my overall comment:

Yawn

Yawn

You see, much of what Miley thinks is bad ass, cool, controversial, and TMZ-worthy? Well, I did it first. But it was all before the age of social media, over-sharing, and post-Disney star implosions we have come to expect.

Need proof that I was first? Well, here you go haters.

Want to expand your sexy quotient by using hand gestures and tongue action?

The did-you-need-proof-that-I-have-a-tongue? photos:

Let’s show everyone how much we love our pets:

Then, there’s showing the world your tatas:

There’s the racy outfits:

How about sharing your signing talent?

So let’s get back to that controversial photo Miley recently shared with her 15+ million Instagram followers. Supposedly, it was a glimpse of her girly bits an upcoming photo essay in V magazine. Quick question – based on Miley’s photo, does V stand for Vagina?

When I did all this, there was no Disney to fall disgraced from. No Instagram to provide a permanent visual record of my transgressions. No TMZ to hound me mercilessly and report my slip ups to a celebrity-obsessed public.

Sometimes there are benefits to being first. Especially when you don’t get credit for it.


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Dear Punxsutawney Phil,

I’m going to skip the pleasantries and get right to it. Look…you fat, furry fucker…I am done with winter. D.O.N.E.

Fat. Furry. Fucker. Image (c) Keith Srakocic/AP

Fat. Furry. Fucker.
Image (c) Keith Srakocic/AP

People are going nuts, due to you seeing your shadow and predicting 6 more weeks of Winter. Here’s what your prognosticating has brought upon us:

Former pro players who show up for a boring big football game, dressed like they are the odds-on favorite musher for the next Ididorad.

 Did Joe think it was a good idea to skin his golden retriever? And then wear it? (c) AP Photo/Matt Slocum


Did Joe think it was a good idea to skin his golden retriever? Who’s gonna pull the sled now?
(c) AP Photo/Matt Slocum

Musical geniuses, who raid their girlfriend’s kloset.

This guy, who definitely borrowed his girlfriends coat. And boots.  Source: Bauer-Griffin Online

Is that Kim’s koat? Those are definitely her boots.
Source: Bauer-Griffin Online

Drivers who think they are auditioning for Fast & Furious 12: Sick Semi Spin-outs.

Yikes! AP Photo/Butch Dill

Yikes!
AP Photo/Butch Dill

Hoarders.

In reality, it should read tequila, limes, and salt. www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

In reality, it should read tequila, limes, and salt.
Credit: http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Religious zealots.

I'm converting to Baptist ©2011-2014 Coricle

I’m Team Baptist
©2011-2014 Coricle

Skittish school administrators, who post messages like this a minimum of once a week on our county’s school system website :

Again?

Again?

Parents, who are starting to read messages on the county’s school system website this way:

Like parents don't know this is really the reason schools are closing

Like parents don’t know this is really the reason schools are closing

People who see ice here:

Instead of here:

Ice in Margarita

More ice in tequila. Less ice in trees.

Sincerely,

Lady who is dangerously low on tequila, limes, salt, bread, milk, toilet paper, and patience.  And not necessarily in that order.