A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life

What the Suck?

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While driving home from work the other day, an ad came on the radio. Normally, I’m pretty good at filtering out the ads between music, but this one really grabbed my attention based on two simple words.

Vampire. Facial.

Editor’s note: Do not do an internet image search on “vampire bite”, “vampire sucking on a face” or “vampire attack” to get a funny picture to add to your blog. Unless you would like a bunch of porno vampire images in your search engine memory or malware warnings even when you click on the three non-porno images out of the bajillion porno images. You’re welcome.

The reigning queen of being famous for absolutely nothing and having no talent, well, she had one of these unusual beauty treatments in 2013. She even shared a photo on Instagram during the middle of it:

KimKvampirefacial

Image courtesy of Mrs. K-West’s Instagram account.

The reigning queen of being famous for absolutely nothing other than having a bangin’ body and exotic beauty (but — most importantly — having no talent what-so-ever) also has over 116 million followers on Instagram. Her post sky-rocketed interest in this treatment option, that (reportedly) can also be used to beef up your brows or even your breasts.

Including my social media accounts Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and this blog, I have just over 2,000 people who follow me.  So, compared to Kim K-W when it comes to influence and ability to generate revenue on social media…

hello-my-name-is

No wonder I have menopausal acne, my brows droop and my boobs sag. The reason certainly can’t be because I turn 52 in a few days. It’s really all because I can’t afford vampire facials. Or vampire brow and boob lifts.

Earlier this year, Kim was quoted as saying about the procedure, “It was honestly the most painful thing ever!” Really? I would have guessed losing her dad to cancer would be the most painful thing ever. But I only have 2,000 social media followers, so what do I know?

Well, here’s what I know. ‘Vampire facials’ are the grab-you-by-the-balls, made-up marketing name for a combination of microdermabrasion followed by a mask of platelet-rich plasma (PRP) that helps boost your skin’s cell turnover. The plasma is your own – a doctor will draw blood from you, spin it in a centrifuge to extract the PRP, and then inject or apply it topically.

Plus, I also know that ‘Vampire facial’ is much easier to pronounce than microdermabrasion, platelet-rich plasma and centrifuge.

You know what doesn’t roll off the tongue so easily? ‘Celebrities-who-don’t- have-the-confidence-to-age-gracefully-but-have-plenty-of-money-to-spend-on-stupid-ass-shit-that-their-bajillion-followers-will-try-even-though-those-followers-do-not-have-that- kind-of-disposable-income’.

But that’s ok, because I’m a confident 52, even without a vampire facial. So suck on that.

52andFabulous

I am a 52 year old Leo…hear me roar.

 

 

Author: A Side of Rice

Married, mom, marketing professional. Loves swearing, pedicures and celebrity meltdowns. Hates making dinner and working the little league concession stand.

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