A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life


What Color Is My Parachute?

I’m back in the market for a job. After a week at home during which I assessed what’s so amazing about me, I’ve come up with a list of jobs I am most definitely qualified for:

  • Chief baker of cookies, cupcakes, pies and cakes for my husband and kids, office parties and special occasions
  • Master of snarkiness regarding the freak show that is a train/bus/metro commute
  • Facebook friender, liker, note writer, game player, status updater, and commenter
  • Ignorer of laundry
  • Reader of Us Weekly, People and Star magazine, while getting a pedicure and foot massage (multi-tasker!)
  • Watcher of A Baby Story
  • League leader in shoes downstairs (or so says my husband, however, I do not believe ESPN really keeps stats on this)
  • Sharer of funny and embarrassing family stories
  • Cheerer on of league little teams
  • Replacer of toilet paper once a roll runs out (evidently, there are no other qualified replacers in my house)

It is not gonna change itself, fellas

It’s equally important that I recognize and acknowledge the jobs I am totally not qualified for:

  • Stay-at-home mom
  • Twitter master
  • Little League concession stand helper
  • Day care worker
  • Dinner maker
  • Vacuumer
  • Duster
  • Dish washer
  • Anything that requires patience
  • Anything that requires not cussing
  • iPhone figure-outer
  • Parent of the Year
  • Carbohydrate passer upper
  • Comedy writer
  • Tequila hater, based on the parting gifts I received from colleagues.
  • The perfect job search kit