A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life


What Color Is My Parachute?

I’m back in the market for a job. After a week at home during which I assessed what’s so amazing about me, I’ve come up with a list of jobs I am most definitely qualified for:

  • Chief baker of cookies, cupcakes, pies and cakes for my husband and kids, office parties and special occasions
  • Master of snarkiness regarding the freak show that is a train/bus/metro commute
  • Facebook friender, liker, note writer, game player, status updater, and commenter
  • Ignorer of laundry
  • Reader of Us Weekly, People and Star magazine, while getting a pedicure and foot massage (multi-tasker!)
  • Watcher of A Baby Story
  • League leader in shoes downstairs (or so says my husband, however, I do not believe ESPN really keeps stats on this)
  • Sharer of funny and embarrassing family stories
  • Cheerer on of league little teams
  • Replacer of toilet paper once a roll runs out (evidently, there are no other qualified replacers in my house)

It is not gonna change itself, fellas

It’s equally important that I recognize and acknowledge the jobs I am totally not qualified for:

  • Stay-at-home mom
  • Twitter master
  • Little League concession stand helper
  • Day care worker
  • Dinner maker
  • Vacuumer
  • Duster
  • Dish washer
  • Anything that requires patience
  • Anything that requires not cussing
  • iPhone figure-outer
  • Parent of the Year
  • Carbohydrate passer upper
  • Comedy writer
  • Tequila hater, based on the parting gifts I received from colleagues.
  • The perfect job search kit


A Thank You Note to My Son Alex on His 9th Birthday

Happy Birthday kiddo! 9 years ago today, the doctors informed me that all 10 pounds and 4.8 ounces of you was not going arrive the “way nature intended”. So, the doctors gave me enough anesthesia to make surgery painless (and to make me puke on the operating room floor, truth be told) — and then you were born. Not exactly the TLC “A Baby Story” moment like most people, but we are not like most people. I embrace our crazy different-ness every day.

I just wanted to say thank you for 9 things – although there are so many more – that have made being your mom great.

1. Thanks for sleeping through the night at less than 6 weeks old. For that, you can have a car when you turn 16.

2. Thanks for being so happy when less than 15 months after you arrived, your father and I had the nerve to bring your brother home as the newest member of the family. Try to remember how happy that made you then, when he’s fighting you for the Wii remote now.

3. Thanks for being so good when we would go out to eat at restaurants. You have no idea how much your hates-to-cook-dinner mother appreciates this.

4. Thanks for not getting your first ear infection until you were 1. On the eve of your birthday, in fact, which nearly ruined our plans for a first birthday celebration.

5. Thanks for speaking your first word – “Pepper”. No wonder the dog (Pepper) loves you best.

6. Thanks for not being mad when at 7 years old during your first organized basketball league play – you sank a nothin’ but net shot from half court – that mommy did NOT manage to capture on video. In fact, when mommy said “I’m so sorry Alex, there were only 6 seconds left, so I didn’t think anything would happen”, you said “that’s ok, I’ll make even cooler shots you can video later”.

7. Thanks to you and your brother who say “Who are they versing?” every time you ask who the Capitals, Wizards, Steelers or Orioles are playing against, because it puts a smile on my face.

8. Thanks for your infectious giggle, that when I hear it, makes me giggle, which makes you giggle more, which leads to me laughing so hard I start to cry. Happy tears.

9. Thanks for being so awesome at football this year and making me so proud of you. In spite of my reservations at the beginning of the season about you playing such a rough sport.

I love you.


P.S. I’m not sure at what point it changed, but recently you dropped two letters from my title. I went from “Mommy” to “Mom”. I never thought two letters would make such a difference, but thanks for growing up and letting me know it’s ok for things to change as long as the feelings remain the same.