A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life


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No Wonder All the Moms Made It to the Graduation Ceremony

Here’s a picture from my son’s recent 5th grade graduation ceremony.  In the picture is one of my son’s friends, who is also on his All Star baseball team.

If you’re anything like me, you’re not focusing on 11 year old Jacob getting his diploma and moving on to the next phase of his educational career.  Hells no. You are thinking — why the #$%& wasn’t my Assistant Principal in elementary school this easy on the eyes?

Assistant Principal McHotty, Ya'll!

On the left – Assistant Principal McHotty, ya’ll!

Perhaps — for me — the reason is because my Assistant Principal at Father Andrew White S.J., Elementary School was named Sister Francis Miriam, who

  1. Threw an eraser at you from the blackboard if she thought you weren’t paying attention.
  2. Kept a stash of colorful plastic bow-shaped barrettes to place in the hair of boys who she said “needed to get the hair out of their eyes so they could see better until they could make a trip to the barber”. I remember that Keith Bridgewater sported every color of the rainbow during his eighth grade year.
  3. Safety-pinned poor Billy Cusak to her dress and made him follow her everywhere for an entire school day because he was misbehaving.
  4. Upped the ante by tossing — with amazing speed and accuracy — a piece of chalk  at you, if the eraser didn’t work.
  5. Nearly popped a blood vessel when the most common mis-spelling in every students’  “The Holy Trinity and Me” essay was “Holly Sprite”.
  6. Patrolled the lunch room with a greater tenacity, fierceness, disdain for frivolity, and glee at imposing punishment than any correctional officer  featured on MSNBC’s documentary series Lockup.
  7. Consulted  with the 8th grade teacher Mrs. Aud about who should have to go outside in the rain to clap the erasers clean.  (Editor’s note: Mrs. Aud could barely be bothered with that decision anyway, since she was too busy A) trying out OPI’s lastest color (Schoolmarm’s the Charm),  and/or B) plucking her chin and nose (!) hairs during individual/quiet study time,  and/or C)  scolding me for making the dots of my i’s into circles because that’s not WJWD [what Jesus would do] since those demonic little circles meant that I was summoning Lucifer to bring on the apocalypse and was I really ready to shoulder the entire burden for the end of civilization at the tender age of 12?)
  8. Conducted the eighth grade girls’ charm class. That really ‘effing took with me, huh?
  9. Called the 7 students who were math whizzes in 8th grade her “boys in the bullpen” and frequently spent half of the class talking about the Orioles’ Ken Singleton’s amazing walk percentage or how Earl Weaver should have pulled Scotty McGregor an inning earlier because his arm was tired, all while ignoring the rest of the students in the class. Some of us non-math whizzes would have been happy to be part of that conversation, but alas, we were resigned to changing the dots in the division sign to circles in an attempt to bring on the end of math class  civilization even quicker.
  10. Was a total McHotHead about misbehaving demon spawn of unrepentant parents. But was most definitely not a McHottie.


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I’m on the Highway to Hell

I count about 10 reasons why Hell awaits me...

I count about 12 reasons why it awaits me, so that qualifies me for the HOV lane on the Highway to Hell, bitches.

It’s nice to know that some ranting  raving  out-of-control  holier-than-thou  Republican  relative  fellow sinner has created this checklist. I mean, how else would we know that we are destined for an afterlife of righteous humidity and — according to Elaine from Seinfield — ragged clothing.

I would just like to add a few categories to this guy’s list. They could be on the front of his sign, but since we can’t see that (or his face), I’ll just assume he needs a little help with his checklist.

So here are some of the sinning brethren that may (or may not) be noted on the front of his sign:

  1. Boys/young men who wear the waistband of their pants around their knees
  2. Any color Wiggle (for signs worn by parents of pre-schoolers only)
  3. Mississippi politicians who blame education’s demise on moms who work outside the home
  4. “News” people who don’t know their head from their ass, but apparently do know about the deep danger posed to society by women bringing home the bacon
  5. That PTA mom who shows up to the meetings in her white yoga pants and cropped topped so you can totally tell she’s wearing a black thong
  6. Any Kardashian
  7. Girls/young women who wear any sort of message across the ass of their shorts/sweatpants
  8. The passenger on the airline who handed my flight attendant sister a used poopy diaper (after changing her kid on the seat) and asked “it’s your job to get rid of this, right?”
  9. Any member of the Westboro Baptist “Church”
  10. Self-righteous, pill-popping drug addicts who cheat on their spouses
  11. Team Teresa from RHONJ
  12. Rush Limbaugh (oh wait…we already covered that in #10)
  13. Grandmothers who bring their grandsons to football practice,  and think being dressed in Daisy Dukes (Marlboros in one back pocket; bedazzled cell phone in the other), a tank top with no bra, and tats on display is the only way to roll (I’m looking at you, Dakota’s Nana)
  14. The inventor of the little league concession stand
  15. The jackass who narced on me in college about my fake ID. (I enjoyed the visit and subsequent “confiscation” by the campus police. Really.)
  16. The mom of the t-ball player in our local league who was shouting verbal threats to the 5 and 6 year old kids on the team during games (I mean, WTF, lady??)
  17. People who are so full of themselves because they actually like to cook dinner for their family
  18. The dog owners who don’t “scoop the poop” when Caninus Maxiums dumps on the community soccer field
  19. Anyone who can’t live by the bumpersticker logic “Humankind: Be Both”.  Especially that little skank who I always seem to get behind on the way home from work who chainsmokes the entire time and flicks the butts out her car window
  20. People who make lists about the type of people they don’t like

See ya on the Highway, people.


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Prepare My Spot in Purgatory. Now.

Lent is upon us. Technically, it’s upon those who really are observant when it comes to religious rituals. Which is one thing – Catholically speaking anyway – that I am most certainly, without a doubt, not. (Unless watching celebrity members of the Church of Scientology melt down very publically counts as being religiously observant. If so, ash me up on Wednesday and roll that TMZ footage!).

It is tradition to sacrifice during the Lenten season – give something up or do something you normally wouldn’t want to. Mega-sinner and mom-disappointer that I am — there are some things that I just can’t bring myself to give up or do. They are ranked in no particular order of importance, but it is important that I let people know that I will not:

  • give up my Root Touch Up. In spite of being a raven-haired lady sporting WAY too much gray. And in direct defiance of the Mouthy Housewives advice mavens.

  • make dinner any more frequently than I do in the non-Lenten portion of the calendar.

  • consider renaming either of my children #winning. Unless maybe there are 7 zeros after the first number in the offer.

  • go see Gnomeo & Juliet, based on Wendi’s spot-on list of other Gnome-inspired movie titles.

  • stop my cringe-inducing commute to and from work, with the multitude of crazies.

  • miss one mani/pedi appointment (with 15 minute leg massage).

  • stop clicking the TV remote. Unless I come across a Jerseylicious marathon or the movies Parenthood, Briget Jones’s Diary or A League of Their Own.

  • start going to church – why break a streak now? Plus, I’m really racking up Purgatory minutes (days? weeks? eons?) and I hear they have a great happy hour.

  • put on anything that my husband purchased from an online retailer whose company name rhymes with Madam and Steve.

  • remember where I put my car keys once I get in the house. Ever.

  • have to wash a load of laundry more than three times when I forget about it being in the washer.

  • stop feeling guilty about being such a bad Catholic.

  • ever really figure out how Twitter works.

  • eat any more carbs. Right after I finish this leftover pasta.

  • make any more stupid lists