So, Marshawn Lynch decided he was going to trademark the phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” I had decided that in response to this, I was going to trademark the phrase “That athlete’s an egotistical ass.”
My first thought was, I’m going be so rich! And now, nothing was going to stand in the way of my
champagne Patrón wishes and caviar spinach dip dreams.
I decided to do some research, to make sure my potentially trademarked phrase would still be available. I took a look at some of the phrases that (airquote) famous (end airquote) people have trademarked.
Here’s a small sampling of what’s trademarked, and I think my checking account is pretty safe. For the most part.
That’s Hot® : owned by Paris Hilton, however it only applies to descriptions of alcohol and clothing. I’ve never used that phrase to describe alcohol or clothing. However, I may have said it repeatedly while 1) watching Magic Mike, 2) watching my husband fold laundry , and/or 3) yelling at my kids when they were younger about why they shouldn’t touch the stove.
Let’s Get Ready to Rumble®: owned by Vince McMahon of WWE fame. As of 2009, he had made $400 million off this trademark. In 2015, he’s worth $1.2 billion. I don’t recall ever saying that, because I was never a Jet or a Shark.
Tebowing®: owned by Tim Tebow. Since I don’t get down on one knee to pray/clean/look for shit under the couches/pick up dirty laundry/scrub the baseboards/look for my other earring that fell behind the nightstand, I should be ok on this one also.
Jeah®: owned by Ryan Lotche (rhymes with douche?). Here he attempts to explain Jeah®:
The fuck? Lay off the weed, dude. I’m not giving this douche any money…even if I do accidentally slur the word after too many Patrón margaritas.
Three-peat®: owned by Pat Riley when in 1993 he thought he was going to — but failed to — win a third world championship with the LA Lakers. I wonder if this phrase could ever be used in my house, e.g., “If mom made dinner three nights in a row, we’d all die from the surprise of a Three-peat®.” I may end up owing
some a bit a shit ton of money to Mr. Riley.
I die®: owned by Rachel Zoe. See above; would apply if child and/or husband spoke in the singular person. This one may also end up with me writing royalty checks to Rachel, who obviously won’t use the money for something as amazing as spinach dip.
Bam®: owned by Emeril Lagasse, American chef. I think you need to cook dinner in order to say this. Definitely will owe no money for this (see Rachel Zoe and Pat Riley above).
They are who we thought they were® : owned Dennis Green, former head coach of Arizona Cardinals. Said during a 2006 press conference following a game vs the Bears. Pretty sure no one in the Witness Protection Program lives in my neighborhood. Should be ok.
Fear the brow® and Raise the brow®: owned by Anthony Davis who said “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it.” No worries Mr. Davis. I’ve spent most of my adult life waxing the shit out of my unibrow because there is just no money in it. Trust me. My husband is able to raise one eyebrow, but — and I hate to break it to you — we have seen no financial windfall from this
talent ability freakish abnormality.
50 cent® : owned by rapper Curtis Jackson, who is also known as 50 cent. Err..50 cent®. If Curtis is smart, he’ll change his son’s name to $700K. And trademark it.
Blue Ivy Carter® : owned by Beyonce/BKG entertainment. No worries here. Rather than speaking the actual name, I will just say “So, another celebrity has named their child something unusual. That’s why my kids will never amount to anything star-worthy. Their names are too ‘plain white Rice'”.
Hmmm…Plain White Rice. As unusual names go, That’s Hot!