Back in December…or maybe it was November…our oldest son came home and announced that he had a big science project due. He needed to come up with an idea for an experiment, get it approved by the teacher, conduct the experiment, record the results, and present the whole thing on a poster.
I took the news like any quick-thinking parent
trying to get out of crap like this and said, “what a the perfect thing for you and your dad — the chemistry major — to work on together. Let me know how it goes.”
My husband found the experiment they were going to conduct on a website, and my son got approval from his teacher to proceed. Since the project was due February 10, there was plenty of time to ruminate about the experiment and how they would present the results.
The premise of my son’s experiment was this: which fruits have the most vitamin C? The experiment would have him determine this by dropping freshly-squeezed fruit juice into an iodine solution, and note how many drops it took to turn the iodine solution clear. The premise was that the quicker that happened, the more vitamin C in the fruit.
Or something like that. I was annoyed that lime juice was going to be wasted on some stupid middle school science experiment, when I could have mixed it with tequila to show how many drinks it takes to make mom begin slurring her words. I love that experiment.
So, my husband and Alex started the entire project early. And by early I mean right about noon on Sunday, February 9.
And here’s what we were able to observe during the experiment:
–>The amount of time you have to conduct your experiment is inversely proportional to the number of f-bombs dropped when it doesn’t go as planned.
–>It will take a husband approximately 4 minutes and 17 seconds to tell his son to “just go play the #@$%-ing xBox and let me do this so we can finish it faster.”
–>The more a wife asks “can I help?”, the more her husband barks back “no, I’ve got this, so just stop asking.”
–>Having a chemistry degree won’t stop you from bitching outloud at no one in particular: “this @#$%-ing sucks. Stupid ass iodine solution needs to be diluted more to make this @#$%-ing project work. That @#$%-ing website was totally @#$%-ing wrong. This @#$%-ing blows.”
–>Not having a chemistry degree makes hearing the bitching that much more enjoyable.
Which led me — if no one else — to conclude from this experiment, that:
–>My husband should have started this experiment sooner because these things are never problem-free the first time you try to do them.
–>It will be at approximately the 4 minute and 17 second mark into the experiment when I will have to begin to resist the temptation to say, “I @#$%-ing told you that you should have started this earlier.”
–>When I stop asking “can I help?”, I immediately feel no remorse about focusing on HGTV and the House Hunters marathon.
–>Not having a chemistry degree won’t stop you from bitching outloud at your husband (in particular): “You know what really sucks? Not being able to hear why this couple is so dead-set against house #2, because of all the @#$%-ing bitching you are doing.”
–>Not having a chemistry degree still makes me smarter about the actual time it will take to conduct a kid’s science experiment, than the person who actually graduated from college with a chemistry degree.
And this whole experience leads me to one very important conclusion. There’s a damn good reason they call them mad scientists.