If this is your first year of youth football, here is my handy guide to the signs you’ve been sucked into its vortex. This is our fourth year of youth football in the Rice household, so I feel like can
complain a whole bunch help you out, and let you know what to expect.
Sure-Fire Signs It’s Football Season
1. The minivan now smells like sweaty 10- and 11-year old boys, because you’ll “be damned if those freakin’ shoulder and rib pads that can only be Fabreezed are coming into this house.”
2. The term “pads” takes on a meaning other than one associated with getting your period.
3. This is what the boys and their father (a head coach of one of the teams) think you should make them for dinner:
4. Because practice is from 6:00pm – 8:00pm every night, this is what you make yourself for dinner, since you can actually eat in peace. And since no one else in the family will touch a green vegetable:
5. This is what you recommend they shove in their smelly, sweaty bodies for dinner:
6. The team moms are burning up the internet faster than you can say tax-free-back-to-school-shopping, with their excessive and repetitive “informational” e-mails. Bonus points if you have kids on two separate teams so you can get every message. Twice.
7. There’s no where to hide from the dreaded concession stand duty sign-up. Claiming post-traumtic stress disorder from working the concession stand during baseball season — even with a (possibly forged) note from your doctor — does not exempt you, either.
8. Your petition to add a margarita machine to the concession stand gets struck down by the Board. Again. Even with the
forged note from your physician, indicating continuous margarita therapy has been prescribed to aid in your PSTD baseball concession stand recovery.
9. The pep rally takes place on the only evening you have free to go buy school supplies.
10. You have to decide between back-to-school night or practice. The teachers will understand, right? I’ll be MIA from both anyway, because I have to make my spirit wear shirts for the games.