A Side of Rice

Hopefully Humorous (and sometimes R-rated) Musings About Life

I’ve Been Checked Out

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Warning male readers: This post contains information about serious girl stuff. And no, not thongs.

Mother (‘effer) Nature. In her quest to annoy me as much as possible, she bestowed my period on me early the past two months.  Last month, I was wearing a khaki skirt. In the breakroom at work that morning, a co-worker pointed to my backside and said “You must of sat in something on the Metro this morning.”  (Why yes, my own bodily fluids. Thanks for noticing and telling me. Thanks for not making too big a deal out of it. And thanks for being a woman and not a man).

I then spent 10 minutes in the rest room:

  • hiking my skirt up to rinse it out in the sink using hand soap from the dispenser
  • wondering how many people on the Metro had seen this and secretly photographed it, uploading the image as soon as possible to Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Flickr with the caption “Lady in Red” or “Life’s a Bitch. Period. LMFAO.”
  • praying no one else would enter the bathroom
  • twisting my skirt around so that the back was now in the front and I could pre-emptively laugh away any awkward glances by blurting out uncomfortably “silly me, spilled my coffee all over the FRONT of myself”.  
  • thanking my lucky stars I had some extra Tampax in my bag left over from the previous month

This month, I arrived at work one morning (in khaki pants, this time) and managed to avoid disaster by discovering my unanticipated need for Tampax when I went to the bathroom.  But this time, I was out of supplies.  Didn’t have a thing with me.  So I went back to my office (ran, really). Quarters in hand, I dashed back to the bathroom.  One quarter later, I was ready to face the day.  It ended up being a 4 quarter kinda day at the office.

On the way home from work, I stopped at the store to purchase a box of Tampax (cardboard and cotton at a quarter a pop is robbery, people!).  After scanning this one item, the automatic coupon printer spit out  two coupons.

I would have expected a coupon combination of any of the following, based on purchasing Tampax:

  • Peanut butter and chocolate, which says “we know you love — and need — the salty/sweet combo right now”
  • Tortilla chips and salsa, which says “we know you love salty; healthy salty because there are tomatos in salsa”
  • Potato chips and dip, which says “hold the tomatoes, we can give you the full salt with an extra dose of fat”
  • Häagen-Dazs® and chocolate syrup, which says “screw the salty, we know your sweet tooth is bangin'”
  • Frozen wings and blue cheese dressing, which says “hot wings and dip – we know it’s what you want for dinner”
  • Midol and mallomars, which says “we know cramps suck less with pain killers and sugar”

But no.  What did I get?

It's not even my favorite flavor of Alpo

It’s not even my favorite flavor of Alpo

Dog food and a cheese/breadcrumb mix. So, pretty much the coupon printer was saying  “Bet you’re hungry, bitch.”


Author: A Side of Rice

Married, mom, marketing professional. Loves swearing, pedicures and celebrity meltdowns. Hates making dinner and working the little league concession stand.

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