After 7 months of searching for a new professional opportunity due to a layoff, I am pleased to report I have received a job offer. Or, as my husband pronounces job offer — excuse to get off your loafin’ ass and bring home some of that bacon you are so fond of.
To prep the kids and my bacon-loving husband, I’ve compiled a list of guidelines to help get us back in the two working parents routine. I’m going to tape a copy of the list to the frig, the Xbox, above every toilet, the screen of the computer and wrap the iPod in it to make sure the men in my house see it.
Places I won’t put it because it would never be seen? The front of the washing machine or the dish washer, the handle of the vaccuum, any dish towel, the dog’s leash, the oven or any of the cleaning supplies.
So, without further ado, here is the reminder list for the boys. And ‘boys’ includes any male in the home, including those who also go by the name ‘dad”:
- Mom is not a synonym for the phrase ‘pick up after you‘.
- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with Pringles do so constitute a well thought out dinner.
- Ditto for cheese and crackers.
- If you don’t believe me, then just make your own damn dinner.
- Mom watching Project Runway trumps watching any sports game on TV.
- Ditto for Top Chef, My Life on the D-List, and Hoarders.
- Flushing toilets is not optional each time.
- Picking up the dog poop in the backyard is how you will earn your Benjamin’s. But let’s start with the Washingtons and we’ll work our way up, shall we?
- The dishwasher can not magically load and unload itself.
- Ditto for the washing machine and dryer.
- Double ditto for empty baskets awaiting dirty laundry; and baskets of clean laundry.
- The end of the banister is not for hanging jackets, hats, winter coats, scarves, bookbags, dirty socks, candy wrappers, gloves, the dog’s leash, and shirts that need to go to the dry cleaner.
- Ditto for the chair in the foyer.
- I bought those damn mats for wiping your feet when you come through the door, not for jumping over so that your muddy feet get on the hardwood.
- Ditto for your paws, Mocha.
- Vodka is mom juice, so just stop harping on me, ok?
- Mom requires more than 12 hours notice if you need baked goods for a school or office function.
- Mom may opt for store-bought goods even with 12 hours notice.
- ‘Up yours’ is a perfectly fine retort to use in our house for anyone over the age of 21, who is given less than 12 hours notice for anything.
- If there’s a problem, the school nurse should call dad’s cell phone first.
- Ditto for the school principal.
- Double ditto if you are making the one phone call you are legally entitled to. From jail and/or juvie.