(…the Naughty List, you dirty-minded Shades of Greyers.)
This year, Santa isn’t going to be as generous as in years past. With me laid off in April and still searching for full time permanent work, we have been doing the
annoying right thing, and cutting back on expenses.
To add insult to injury, if the Nation goes careening off the “fiscal cliff”, any extension to my unemployment benefits will be voided since they are up in about 3 weeks. In related news, Vodka sales in the Frederick area may skyrocket at precisely the same time if there’s a cliff-tastic end to our Nation’s fiscal situation.
In spite of the fact that it’s been a tough year for me, I’ve been doing my damndest … er … darnedest to get off that fuc…um…freakin’ Naughty List that perpetually haunts my ass. I mean butt. Shit, I can’t stop the cussing, so I already know I’ve got that against me.
Regardless, I’m going to present my case for removal from the Naughty List. At the end, you can vote as to whether or not those mother ‘effer elves should cross me off the Naughty List. So here goes nothin’:
My Exhibit A: This year, because I was laid off and had a butt-load of free time, I made cookies, brownies and cupcakes for my oldest son’s Travel and All Star baseball games, including tournaments. Every game. All 34 of them. I fed players, coaches and family members. I even brought Skittles for the kid with food allergies who couldn’t eat cookies. Each game, I baked more than 60+ homemade goodies. Conservatively (in dessert estimates, not politics), that’s over 2,040 cookies/brownies/cupcakes between March and July. And 34 bags of Skittles.
Stupid ‘Effing Elf Rebuttal: Hey Becky Crocker, you know you have 2 sons, right? Did ya think of making cookies for your other son, who didn’t make either the Travel or the All Star teams for his age group, but still played his little (mommy-loves-me-less) heart out on his recreational baseball team? Yeah, we didn’t think so. See if the Wizard has an extra heart for you, Tin Mom.
My Exhibit B: I dropped 7 pounds!
Stupid ‘Effing Elf Rebuttal: It’s not like you embraced a lifestyle change of a more well-balanced and thoughtful diet, along with adding an impressive exercise regimine. You got the flu and couldn’t stomach anything for 4 days, combined with the stress of being laid off. An iffy personal transformation, at best.
My Exhibit C: I offered to volunteer my services at local nonprofits on a part-time basis, until I found a full time job.
Stupid ‘Effing Elf Rebuttal: Volunteering your services is not the same as actually doing the volunteer work. No one responded to your offers. And if you think volunteering your time and pantry supplies to create over 2,000 cookies counts…then, please see our rebuttal to Exhibit A, you moron.
My Exhibit D: I took the boys to every football practice (but 2) this year. That’s Monday through Thursday from 6:00pm – 8:00pm, and 9:00am – noon on select Saturdays from the end of July until school starts. Then Tuesdays and Thursdays once school starts and the games begin. This goes on until the first week of November. In years past, my husband has done this. But being out of work, it made more sense for me to be the one to spend the evenings at the field, sweating my ass off (July – September), and then freezing it off (October – November).
Stupid ‘Effing Elf Rebuttal: Really? OK, sticking your face in your iPhone to 1) try out fun new stations on iHeart radio, 2) improve your ‘Mad Skillz’ at Bejeweled Blitz/Scramble/Words with Friends, 3) tweet your displeasure about being at the football field, 4) create an Instagram account and upload a bunch of photos, and 5) catch up on your friends’ activities on Facebook isn’t exactly paying attention at your boys’ football practices. And “being there” when it got cold does not consist of telling your kids “The hell with this, I’m going to sit in the car and stay warm. You remember where we parked, right?”. Next.
My Exhibit E: I was pretty much the chief party planner for my mom’s 70th birthday party. I took care of the guest list, designed, printed and mailed the invitations to more than 60 invited guests. And I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who paid for anything out of pocket. Pretty generous considering I was the only one of my 3 sisters unemployed at the time — and two of them had just gotten promotions!
Stupid ‘Effing Elf Rebuttal: You may have spent some money on printable cards and stamps, but do you you remember the considerable family implosion you caused? Your sister, her husband and their 3 kids flew in from Canada. Your other sister from Chicago cleared her schedule for a long weekend. And your youngest sister helped your mom prepare the house for the party, with a husband and two kids in tow. Remember how your son’s football game was rescheduled at the same time as your mom’s party? And since both events took place at the same time — but 3 hours away from one another — at first you agreed that your husband and oldest son could stay at home to go to the game and you would bring the cookie-deprived younger son to your parents’ home for the festivities. Do you seriously not remember the ginormous pile of shit you stirred up with that? And how uncomfortable it was when you sobbed at your husband that it was very important that everyone in your family attend, even if it meant the oldest son had to miss a game? And how you had to beg the coach at the end of practice to let Alex miss this one game for the milestone birthday your mother was celebrating? Yeah, we wish we could erase the whole nasty situation from our memories, but it is permanently etched into the Naughty List Hall of Shame. Congrats.
So now that you’ve heard all the evidence, it’s time for you readers to render a verdict. Be kind.
If you can’t be kind, then you and the elves can both suck it.