You know those Cosmo quizzes? The ones you speed read in the grocery check out line as you attempt to covertly slide the box of Root Touch-Up onto the belt?
Right. Me either — I don’t even try and hide the
Tampax KY Root Touch-Up, as I maybe not-so-speedily take the Cosmo quiz.
Last Saturday night, our boys were invited to a sleep over birthday party. My husband and I had the entire evening and most of the next morning to ourselves. Based on our evening, I created my own little ‘With the Kids Away, It’s Time to Play!’ quiz.
Select one answer for each set of questions below. And then score your answers at the end to find out if you are a devil or a dud.
- You go out for a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant where there is no McAnything on the menu and the house specialty isn’t followed by the words “Meal Deal”.
- Your husband looks at you at 8:00pm, scratches his butt and says “I’m calling in the order now. Do you still want the fried onions on your sub?”
Add one point if you are out of mouthwash — knew it — and ordered the onions anyway.
- You put on your new lipstick called ‘Cherry Pie’ and huskily whisper to your man, “Let me get some strawberries and we can re-enact that scene from 9 1/2 Weeks.”
- You slather Cherry flavored chapstick on your cracked lips and grumble “I swear my lips have been chapped for 9 1/2 freakin’ weeks.”
Add an extra point if you said ‘fucking’ instead of ‘freakin’.
- You sit outside on the deck, gaze at the heavens, drink champagne chilled on ice, hold hands and wish upon a shooting star.
- While watching a special on asteroids and comets on Nat Geo channel, you announce “I had no idea comets were really made of ice”.
Add an extra point if your special someone responds to your comet comment with: “I did. I’ve seen this Nat Geo special before.”
- You whisper in your lover’s ear “I’ve got something silky on. But I’d love it if you would help me take it off.”
- While folding laundry, you announce “I wish I had some silky underthings instead of this breathable cotton granny panty crap.”
Add an extra point if your washing machine belt snaps mid-spin cycle.
- You roll over in a state of hedonistic rapture and giggle that the clock says 2:45am — the lovemaking night is still young!
- You roll over and grab your ‘sleep bong’ (a.k.a. CPAP machine) because it’s now 10:36pm and you are exhausted from all the laundry folding.
Add an extra point if your partner says “Hey, we’re out of mouthwash. Can you add that to the grocery shopping list?”
Scoring: Give yourself a point for every time you answered 1. Give yourself 5 points for every time you answered 2. Add any bonus points. If your total score is…
1-5 points: Muy Caliente! You are hot-hot-hot and know how to spice up the house when the ankle-biters are away.
6-10 points: Slightly Steamy: You still have what it takes, although it make take you a bit longer to get it going.
11-15 points: Warm and Cozy: Your sex drive peaked pre-kids, but at least you’re not folding laundry and sharing scientific facts about comets.
15+ points: Your love meter is colder than that comet made of ice. You’re probably a lost cause. In any event, we suggest less laundry and Nat Geo; more strawberries and Cinemax ‘After Dark’. And we’re not even sure that’s gonna help.