I am sick of this career BS. I want to earn my money the real American way — with no hard work and some massive luck. So, I’ve decided I’m going to start playing the lotto.
Once I win, I can over-indulge myself, relatives, friends and an assortment of con artists. Wait, that sentence has redundancies…let me try again.
Once I win, I can over-indulge an assortment of con artists. Then I can end up penniless and gripping a tattered photo of Honey Boo Boo, as I waste away my days at the RAP Sheet Acres Flea Market (Sat/Sun only) and Trailer Park. This will be my ticket (pun intended!) to being featured on the next E! Investigates special Curse of the Lottery.
I know lots of people have special numbers that they pick all the time and never — ever — change. But I’m going to throw caution (along with good sense and money) to the wind, and let the misadventures of my week help me pick the numbers.
For this week, here are some of my choices for however the hell many numbers it is that I am supposed to select:
- 3130: The waist (31) and length (30) of the jeans I bought my 10 1/2 year old son, who better be getting a @#$%-ing all expense paid college football scholarship. Just for clarification, all expense = tuition, room, board, books, my mani/pedis and our mortgage.
- 30728: The amount of money in dollars ($307) and cents ($.28) I spent on clothes for my 10 1/2 year old, which amounts to 3 pairs of jeans, 1 lightweight fleece jacket, 2 pairs of sweatpants and 5 shirts. Perhaps I should play 2793, which is the average cost in dollars ($27) and cents ($.93) I paid per item.
- 1538: The amount of money in dollars ($15) and cents ($.38) I spent on my 9 1/2 year old son because he is wearing every piece of hand-me-down clothing from his brother that I have been able to find. But I did think hand-me-down underwear was pushing the limits of
goodparenting, so I bought him two packages of his own new underwear. Mother of the Year (points to self), right here people.
- 499: The cost of a miniature of Grand Marnier in dollars ($4) and cents ($.99), which is a key ingredient in the margarita cupcakes I was making for a friend’s birthday.
- 683800: My high score in Zuma Blitz this week. Suck it, bitches.
- 42887: the number of raindrops that hit me as I watched my youngest son play football at 9:00am on Sunday morning.
- 42888: the number of Sundays in a row I have missed church and blamed it on my kids’ sports activities.
- 42889: the number of hours I will be spending in Purgatory for missed church and other offenses perpetrated by myself upon the Catholic church.
- 126: the number of times my husband dropped the “F” bomb during the first game of the Orioles/Yankees 2012 divisional playoff series.
- 417: the number of points Wendi Aarons scored against me in Words with Friends. Without cheating. Or so she says.
- 6865: the number of Presidential campaign ads I will be subjected to on TV and radio between now and November 6, 2012.
- 6865: the number of votes I wish I could cast for none-of-the-above on November 6, 2012 after I am subjected to Presidential campaign TV and radio ads between now and November 6, 2012.
And now for the Power Ball picks:
- 24: the number of cookies I need to make for my son’s class party.
- 13: the number of hours notice I received about my son’s need for cookies for his class party, which includes the hours of midnight to 8:00am.
- 10: the number of cuss words I launched at my son when he told me about the need for cookies at his class party.