Yesterday, I was panicking in Walmart. No, I hadn’t had my photo snapped by some freak-ass voyeur, who spotted me in my wrinkled tee shirt (plucked right from the clean [?] laundry basket), shorts with the hem coming undone and shower shoes.
Look, it was 8am and that was my Sunday best. Even if it did qualify me for the People of Walmart photo gallery.
The real reason I was in a stupor was because after careful forgetting and deliberate procrastination, I was faced with purchasing my boys’ school supplies with less than 24 hours until they had to report to
juvie Walkersville Elementary. And you know what that means.
- the only pencil cases left are glitter/pink/Hello Kitty
- there’s an entire palette of purple pocket folders left, since the teacher specifically noted pocket folders must be blue and green
- blue and green sold out weeks ago, when all the well-organized and hyper-prepared moms stocked up on this shit
- the erasable black pens are in a mislabeled box on the back of the shelf that you have to get down on your hands and knees to drag out over a spilled blue slushie
I’m sure the video of me on all fours with my ass in the air, cussing myself out and clawing for the box that was almost out of reach will be on YouTube in no time. Or it will be the feature presentation during the Funniest Security Camera Footage portion of the next Walmart shareholders meeting.
After I had gotten almost everything (I made a trip to Target and Office Max to get what Walmart had sold out of), I pushed my cart of supplies to the check out and eyeballed an item that wasn’t on the school’s list.
For the record, the liquor store had everything on my list.