My son Alex recently celebrated his 9th birthday. His parents (idiots that they are) thought hosting a sports competition party for 10 rowdy nine years olds in their own home would be a good idea. An even better idea? Serving them caffeinated soda during the party. (Where’s that MENSA application, honey? We are too smart for our own good!)
We started off the 2 and a half hour party with pizza. In typical homemaker fashion, I fired up the internet and placed my mega-order with Papa John’s(R). My husband thought 3 pizzas would be enough, but I upped the order to 5 and threw in two servings of bread sticks for good measure. Smart move on my part because if I had only ordered 3 pizzas, the boys would have had to gnaw on the cardboard pizza boxes. Nine year olds wolf down more food than cruise ship passengers in the all-you-can-eat surf and turf buffet line.
Then we were on to the Wii(TM) games — cue the Wild World of Sports theme music. That agony of defeat portion.
The boys were going to play three games and the high score for each game won a NERF(R) football. The non-winning Wiitestants would get a fine parting gift — a NERF(R) mini-basketball hoop and basketball.
Wait, I’ve already name-checked WiiTM, Papa John’s(R), and NERF(R). Shouldn’t I be compensated in some way? Or is it sued?
We explained firmly (and repeatedly, through clenched teeth) that in the Rice house we wear the controller wrist strap. Further, wearing the wrist strap is not for wussies, but rather for little people whose grip-the-controller-and-don’t-let-go-muscles might not be completely formed yet. However, their argue-with-you-because-using-the-wrist-straps-is-completely-uncool muscles are quite toned. On steriods, really.
We got through 2 of the games – ping pong return challenge and three-point challenge. Unfortunately, bowling didn’t go as smoothly as we planned and we had to resort to names in a hat and pulling out a winner for the last NERF(R) football.
I’d also spent a few hours making chocolate candies for the party guests. (More sugar for these kids? I should be president of MENSA).
At one point, I walked into the dining room where the cake and ice cream had been served and found one kid bending down, with the door open to the storage area below my china hutch.
Me: “Um. Can I help you find something buddy?”
‘buddy’: “No. I just didn’t like the taste of the mint chocolate candy, so I was going to hide this piece I took a bite of.”
Me (through clenched teeth): “Well, I’m sure at your house you would put it in the trash and not the china cabinet, right?”
‘buddy’: “Yeah, but I don’t know where your trash can is.”
Me: “Just give that uneaten portion to me, buddy. It’s ok not to like something, but it’s really not ok to hide the half eaten portion of it in my china cabinet. So….your mother knows the party ends exactly at 2:30, right?”
At 2:00pm, my husband took 5 of the party goers to baseball practice, along with the birthday boy. I was left with 4 boys to entertain for a half an hour. I went a few more rounds of “game controller wrist straps are for wussies”, and was delighted that the rest of the kids were picked up exactly at 2:30pm.
The party officially didn’t end at 2:30pm, even though my house had cleared out. Come to find out, some of the party goers snuck pieces of crust and sausage pizza to our dog. How do I know? Well, the evidence of said sneaking would be found at 3:07pm.
Note to the marketing department at Orange Glo(R) – your product works great cleaning dog puke off of hardwoods. And you should call Papa John’s(R) – I believe there are some co-marketing opportunities you’ve been missing.