When it comes to the commuting population, perhaps it’s just narcissitic egoism. Maybe it’s just sheer stupidity. Or – benefit of the doubt here – perhaps they were dropped on their head as a baby. In any case, I overhear/see the darnest things on my way to and from work. My commute is ripe with comedy gold.
Most of the time, I post an account of the conversation or episode on my facebook page right away. I really wish I was making it all up. But there are way too many freaks out there — and I seem to commute with all of them.
I’m sharing with my faithful readers (both of you!) the Top 10 Things I Have Overheard on My Commute in the Past 6 Months.
So, without further ado….
10. “We’ve been divorced 8 years now. And he’s only been out of jail 9 months since that time. And not 9 consecutive months, either”. [one commuter sitting in front of me, to another commuter]
9. “Yeah, I know what the doctor said, but it’s not as itchy any more and since the pus has dried up I’m going to stop taking the antibiotic”. [cell phone conversation]
8. “Don’t admit to anything. If you have records of all your communications about this problem, make copies now. They can’t fire you without just cause, and as your attorney, it’s my job to protect you. OK. See you for dinner tonight mom”. [cell phone conversation]
7. “Everything is in my girls’ names when it comes to my will. I mean, I love my husband and all, but men come and go. As I learned so expensively with my first husband”. [one commuter sitting behind me, to another commuter]
6. “This house is the first new thing I’ve ever owned in my life. My cars, my condo – hell, even my ex-wife I got used”. [one commuter sitting behind me, to another commuter]
5. “But I need bail money for him. I don’t know why are are being such a bitch about it. It’s not like he stole the money out of your savings account. This time”. [cell phone conversation]
4. “Look lady, I’m not crazy. It’s my job to pick up the trash you riders leave behind. Find somebody else to *@$# with this morning.” [ Metro worker to a woman complaining about the trash he was picking up]
3. “Well, unless you can produce a ticket for that suitcase, you need to get it off of the seat so that my ass – which did purchase a ticket – can have it”. [one very unhappy commuter to another very rude commuter]
2. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is my fleshy mid-section getting in the way of your boney elbow, which you refuse to move from my side of the seat because I had the nerve to sit next to you when the bus was full?” [me to a commuter who huffed and puffed when I asked to sit in the empty seat next to her when the bus was full]
And the #1 Top Thing (not spoken, but seen on a t-shirt) is: Call me when your baby momma goes to work. Extra tramp points for the script being in silver glitter and the shirt being 2 sizes too small.