Away we go to the grandparent’s house!
10:00am Scheduled departure time.
10:15am Search ends for the extra DS stylus so that both boys can play their units at the same time. Mommy successfully convinces at least one kid that an Egyptian Mossy Nile eyeliner pencil can make Mario jump higher than ever (cap ON please!).
10:27am Actual departure time.
10:28am Mommy passes tissue back to Alex to remove the Egyptian Mossy Nile eyeliner that is now covering his DS screen. Eff’ing CAP ON is the revised instruction.
10:30am Nick asks how many more minutes until we get there. Mommy laughs and tells Nick “It’s a 5 hour trip honey. We have a ways to go”.
11:02am Nick asks how many more minutes until we get there. Mommy smirks and says “It’s only been a half hour Nick. 270 more to go!”
11:05am Mommy suggests we play the “I spy” alphabet game.
11:16am Mommy is disappointed at how quickly the alphabet game ended, having just refereed whether a “Z” in Quiznos sign found by Nick or on a license plate found by Alex was the first spied and shouted out. Mommy calls it a tie.
11:21am Daddy finds the real “Z” when his snoring commences. Mommy is left to multi-task, driving and try to decipher the directions daddy wrote down.
11:46am Mommy wakes daddy to ask about the directions he wrote down, as the 12 mile distance has come and gone and Route 79 South has not yet materialized. Daddy points out that what he wrote clearly says 112 miles so we have quite a distance to go before we hit Route 79 South. He then returns to snoring. 12 with some scribble in front of it — or 112? You decide:
11:58am Nick asks when we are going to have lunch. Mommy promises in 45 minutes she will wake daddy up so we can stop and have lunch.
12:09pm We pass Pigs Ear Road. Really? Out here in the country all the Main Streets and Elm Blvds had been used up and you were only left with Pigs Ear Road? Extra disappointed this is spotted while we are still in Maryland and not after we have crossed into West Virginia.
Dog farts. Dog pants in the direction of mommy which smells like farts.
12:17:01pm Mommy makes mental note to buy SuperSaver bag of breath buster treats for dog.
12:45pm Nick asks how many more minutes until we stop for lunch. Mommy replies “the minute I see the next fast food sign”.
12:50pm Family lunches at Burger King. Everyone takes potty break. Mommy determines that even with a 3-layer paper seat protector, it is the coldest (but cleanest!) public toilet she has ever had to sit on.
1:25pm Nick asks how many more minutes; Mommy clenches teeth and says “at least 2 1/2 hours – convert it to minutes yourself”.
1:25:01pm – 4:00pm Nick does not ask how many more minutes are left.
2:04pm Mommy spots bumper sticker “Paddle faster. I hear banjo music”. Mommy laughs out loud.
2:04:03pm Mommy realizes bumper sticker is probably a friendly warning to visitors in the area. Bumper sticker suddenly not as funny as mommy first thought.
2:37pm Queen’s We Will Rock You/We are the Champions comes on the radio. Alex and Nick sing along.
2:37:15pm Freddie Mercury turns in his grave. Surviving members of Queen contact copyright attorney to file lawsuit.
2:49pm Alex asks to stop for a potty break. We pick the next Rest Area and I say to Alex “I want you to go in the ladies room with me since dad is going to walk the dog. Sometimes there are strange people at rest stops”. To which Nick says “You mean like people who smoke?”.
3:07pm Alex points out the second set of heavenward pointing hooves he has spotted in the back of a pickup truck in the last five minutes. Mommy explains that some people like venison as much as turkey on Thanksgiving. Nick asks if any of the dead deer are related to Bambi’s mom.
3:16pm Mommy observes many pickup trucks on the side of the highway and thinks that Senator Byrd should have worked harder to push for better automechanic legislative guidelines in his state, given all the broken down pick up trucks.
3:17pm While passing another group of pickup trucks on the side of the road, mommy realizes the mechanics in West Virginia are not substandard as originally thought. Rather, this is where the hunters are parking as they go off into the woods on the side of the highway. Her first clue? All the guys in camo and bright orange with their guns slung over their shoulder, pointing in the direction of the highway.
3:17:01pm Mommy says a silent prayer that none of these yahoos gets turned around in the woods and fires in the direction of the highway, mistaking a Buick in need of a new muffler for 10-point buck that would feed a family of 8.
3:30pm Charleston is spotted on the horizon. Alex asks if they get the NFL and RedZone channels “way out here”.
3:45pm Unplanned stop at gas station when Google directions indicate a left turn onto Angel Terrace. Angel Terrace is actually spotted on the right. Call placed to grandad who informs us that Angel Terrace does not factor into the directions at all. Mommy makes mental note to fire off nasty letter to Google map coders, a la the infamous “Always Letter”.
4:00pm Arrive at Grandad and Granny Lori’s house.
4:00:01pm Realize that on Friday, we get to do it all again. In reverse.