This year, my oldest son began Middle School.
We already know the first day of school photo was an epic fail on my husband’s part. But it seems that Alex is adjusting well to Middle School in spite of such a traumatic start to his tween educational experience. In his assessment, “I really like Middle School. Classes are shorter so the day goes by faster. It’s like we aren’t in school as long as last year. That’s good because Mrs. Witt’s science classroom is hot as crap.” Then my youngest son Nick chimed in with “Don’t you mean ‘hot as balls’?”.
It’s obvious that the public education system has really honed my boys’ skills on the use of similes. Proudest. Parent. Ever.
Back-to-School night was last night. Because my husband, Alex, and Nick had football practice, I was flying solo for the Middle School orientation. I’m pretty sure we missed the Elementary School Back-to-School night,
so Nick is shit out of luck but Nick is going to have a great year in spite of that!
Back-to-School night taught me you’re never to old to learn. And here is some knowledge I gained:
- If I decide to wear shoes like this to work, I should definitely change into flip flops or flats before evening activities. My feet have about a 12 hour limit on the amount of torture they can suffer on a given day.
- Showing up 10 minutes early is still 20 minutes too late to get a decent parking spot.
- For the orientation presentation, getting there 20 minutes early secures a bunch of lucky
bastardsparents a seat in the uncomfortable folding chairs set out on the gymnasium floor.
- Getting there 10 minutes early secures me a seat on the splinter-prone and more uncomfortable (by infinity-to-the-10th-power) bleachers in the gymnasium.
- A gymnasium full of parents on a late August evening is hot.
- And not the “Channing Tatum” kind of hot.
- More like the “a few people in here could use another swipe of Right Guard” kind of hot.
- I need to update my things-to-buy-when-I-hit-PowerBall list to include air conditioning for the Middle School gym. And a big supply of Right Guard.
- People who bring their kids to Back-to-School night really should keep their kids with them. Especially the parents of the gaggle of middle school girls sitting behind me, who talked through the entire presentation the Principal gave.
- I am able to incite a humongous number of eyerolls when I turn to a gaggle of middle school girls and say: “Could you guys please stop talking? I would like to hear what the Principal is saying.”
- I feel completely old, entirely uncool and particularly grumpy when I am the recipient of tween eyerolls.
- I liked it better when my son had one teacher in elementary school. Visiting 7 classrooms and meeting 7 different teachers just makes my feet hurt even more.
- About mid-way through Back-to-School night, it dawned on me that my husband’s decision to coach youth football was just an elaborate ploy to avoid Back-to-School night.
- The parents who were in shorts and t-shirts seemed much more happy to be part of Back-to-School night than parents who were still in their work clothes and heels.
- I am never wearing heels again.
- Next year, I’m going to coach a football team and my husband can attend Back-to-School night. In heels.